While You Were Gone, Daily

Wales vs Samoa

Having had a little time to think about it, I’m now a little more bullish about the Welsh performance against South Africa. At times, it really was like watching a completely different team from recent Six Nations tournaments. The level of competence and, dare I say it, professionalism was a cut above. Let’s just hope that they can carry it over into today’s game against their World Cup bête noire, Samoa. [An opening point of irrelevance: of the two Samoan wingers today, one has a brother who plays for Fiji and one has a brother who plays for England. It’s a crazy mixed-up world out there kids. The old joke comes to mind—good job we’re not playing the whole of Samoa… Wales, for their part, have a No. 8 whose Dad played for Tonga, and even someone from North Wales. Diversity!]

ITV Player told me that the commentators are Martin Gillingham and Andy Gomarsall. An on-screen graphic says it’s Bob Symonds and Andy Moore, though. I have no idea what any of those people sound like, and so I couldn’t tell you which it actually is. (As it turns out, it’s irrelevant. None of the four say anything particularly insightful or hilariously stupid, and I won’t mention them again in this liveblog.) Reffing is Alain Rolland.

The game starts with Samoa kicking the ball directly into touch from the kick-off, and then collapsing the subsequent scrum. James Hook steps up to take the kick from the centre of the pitch, but he “hooks” it. [I think it was bleeding obvious he wasn’t going to get that (Hook’s strength is not length) and Wales should have kicked to the corner. However, I am prevented from bellowing that opinion at the telly in my usual fashion due to the following conditions: 1. it is 4:30am, 2. the whole family is asleep, 3. the neighbours are asleep. Picture the scene: I am hunched in front of the computer in the dark, muttering almost inaudibly through gritted teeth, wearing a dressing gown and listening on headphones. Naturally, I am cutting quite the dash and do not look like a crazy person at all…]

Huw Bennett fails to release the ball after a tackle, and concedes a penalty. Samoa elect to kick for a lineout about fifteen yards out from the Welsh try-line. Samoa win their lineout and look like they’re going to score in the corner, but knock it on. Other than Tuilagi, I don’t know any of the Samoan players, and I even if I knew their names I wouldn’t be able to spell them. I shall refer to them all as “a Samoan”. [Thus missing the great pleasure of spelling out some fantastic syllable groupings such as Sailosi Tagicakibau (perhaps my favourite name to say out loud since Rupeni Caucaunibuca), Maurie Faasavalu and Mahonri Schwalger. SCHWALGER!]

Welsh defensive scrum ten yards out. Samoa win it against the head, and a Samoan (Stowers?) [Yes!] peels off the scrum and makes for the line, but is tackled just outside. Wales turn it over, and kick it back into the Samoan half.

Wales fluff their first line-out. Start as you mean to go on, boys! [Having established effective 2-ball to a 6ft 9in beanpole front-jumper against SA, Wales seem to have decided that this game (against a team we famously have problems with) is the time to start mixing it up and throwing it to the tail etc. FFS! Throw it to 2!]

Audaciously, Wales attempt to run from their own try-line when the Samoan defensive line is fully set. [This seems like entirely unnecessary fate-tempting. Wales want to test my vow of silence.] Samoa give away a penalty though.

Andy Powell is subbed on for Lydiate. That is bad news. [Let’s dwell on that for a moment. Dan Lydiate (or “Danny” as per today’s on-screen team list) is a sensible young man with a sensible haircut. On the field, Dan Lydiate quietly and unobtrusively gets on with the unseen hard work, and is really very effective at his job. Wales are a much better, more balanced, and more competitive team when he plays. Dan Lydiate has a long and glorious international career ahead of him. Simply none of those things apply to Andy Powell. He is somehow the anti-Lydiate. There is no-one more not-Lydiate than Andy Powell. He does not have a sensible haircut. He looks like a peroxide cartoon goat on steroids. He is indubitably what Nick Farr-Jones would call a “boofhead”. This match just got harder to win.]

George North!¹ nearly decapitates the first Samoan that attempts to tackle him. Big lad.

Welsh penalty in front of the posts, and Hook hits this one.

Wales 3 - 0 Samoa

Roberts hands off a Samoan with his elbow. Don’t argue. [And not just any Samoan—but their World Cup captain, former Aviva Premiership player of the year, and all round hard nut and superstar Seilala Mapasua. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him “lose the collision” in such emphatic fashion.]

Broken attack. S. Williams beats four or five defenders before being hauled down. Wales spin it out wide, but Charteris passes it forwards to Roberts. Roberts catches it with one outstretched hand, but Rolland whistles for the infraction. That would have been a try, otherwise. [Better from Wales, who have definitely been second-best so far in this game. However, the good doctor looks to be approaching his titanic form of 2009. Tremble all those who stand before him!]

Wales win their second lineout, but then neglect to protect the ball in the ruck, and a Samoan pinches it.

Alun Wyn Jones gives a nice backhanded offload to Faletau [Who does he think he is, Sonny Bill Williams?], but Faletau knocks it on in the tackle, [possibly due to the unexpected shock of AWJ’s dexterity,] and Samoa have a scrum. They win it, run a couple of phases, and then kick. Wales attack. The Samoan line is up fast, and then Wales concede a penalty. Tuilagi takes it quickly, Wales don’t retreat ten, and Rolland awards them another ten yards. A Samoan (Paul Williams) [Boring name, boring haircut.] makes the long kick.

Wales 3 - 3 Samoa

Phillips makes a mini break, with Adam Jones in support. Wales continue the attack. They look a little flustered by the speed of the Samoan defence, and they’re not dealing well with the Samoan counter-rucking. Priestland attempts a drop goal, but misses. He’s now 0 from 3 for the tournament.

Samoa win a scrum, but a Samoan (Lavea) fumbles the ball, giving Wales a scrum well inside the Samoan half. [Lavea’s fumble was fully schoolboy. But whatever errors he commits, no-one can mess with his hair-do, which not only is a faithful recreation of late 80’s Mr Soul-Glo jheri curl (file under E, Eazy), but also appears to have one blond highlighted curl right at the back. Nice touch. Samoa are definitely winning the haircut wars in this game, although perhaps the one thing that Powell brings to the team is a blond feathercut back-up for Adam Jones’s incomparable “roadie for Metallica” look. (Though I think AJ would have need to rock the cornrows again to really trouble Samoa in the style stakes.)]

The Welsh forwards drive the scrum forwards several metres before the Samoan scrum disintegrates completely. Hook kicks the straightforward penalty.

Wales 6 - 3 Samoa

Andy Bloody Powell knocks on the restart; Alain Rolland lets Samoa play out the advantage. The Samoans work their way through the phases to the Welsh 5 metre line. Two Samoans knock Andy Powell a clear five metres out of the back of a ruck. Ouch. The Samoans make it over the line and ground the ball, but it’s a double movement, and Rolland awards Wales a penalty.

Wales win their lineout, but the Samoans drive them back 10 metres or so, and then win a penalty. Paul Williams is fairly easy to spell, but he misses the penalty.

Welsh scrum again drives the Samoans back, but Andy Powell knocks the ball on when he attempts to pick it up, and the Samoans turn it over. They swiftly advance into the Welsh half. They knock it on, though, and Wales play through their advantage, before giving away a penalty at the halfway line. [Scrappy stuff, and not solely because of Andy Powell’s continued presence.]

Samoa kick for touch, win the lineout, but then give away a penalty. This time Wales kick for touch.

Bennett throws the ball completely over the lineout, and Samoa attack. [Throw. It. To. TWO!] They run through about ten phases in the forwards, and then spin it out. Paul Williams breaks the Welsh line, before narrowly being brought down. Samoa advance to the Welsh try line. Rolland awards them a penalty with 30 seconds left in the half. They kick for the corner, and take a four man lineout which they win cleanly. They snipe at the line, but the Welsh defence holds. They spin it out right, and then back left, and a Samoan (subsequently discovered to be Perenise) goes over the line for a try. Williams converts the try and the Samoans go into half time in the lead.

Wales 6 - 10 Samoa

This is bad. [Bad it certainly is, but not as bad, because nothing can be, as the half-time contributions of prematurely retired Scotland international and lover of Kelly Brook, Thom “with an H” Evans. Whilst he may be handsome and super-successful with the ladies (as his name would suggest), TV commentary is plainly not his bag—you can see the rising panic in his eyes in the middle of every sentence as he simultaneously forgets what he just said, what he’s about to say, who’s playing, and where he is. Even by the very low standards of ITV rugby coverage, he is bloody useless. On the flip side, he is making Gareth Thomas look like the very acme of articulacy and insight.]

The animated World Cup logo ITV show around advert breaks is ridiculous. It’s a giant rotating rugby ball made of smoke, which then poops out more smoke, which hits the ground and turns into the text, “Rugby World Cup 2011”. Baffling.

Second Half

Hook is off, replaced by Halfpenny. It’s bad that Hook is injured, but on the other hand, he’s not really very good at fullback.

Thirty seconds into the second half, a Samoan dives over a ruck and gives away a penalty. Priestland’s penalty bounces off the crossbar, and goes over.

Wales 9 - 10 Samoa

Halfpenny misjudges a high kick, but he knocks it backwards, and regathers it [Calmly done—and excellent schoolboy technique there, standing side on for the catch, so that in the event it’s spilled it goes backwards… He really does very little wrong, young Leigh. He is unflusterable.] Wales attack from a lineout, but then give away a penalty.

The next two times Wales gain possession, they dive over the top and are penalised. The commentary team start predicting a yellow card. [My “quiet” muttering may be starting to creep up in volume. Must remember, it’s still not 5:30am yet…]

Paul Williams misses a penalty.

Halfpenny shrugs off a tackle by a Samoan (the number 8: Stowers). That’s impressive, considering the discrepancy in size there.

Priestland attempts a kick for the corner, but it goes straight into touch, giving Samoa an attacking lineout. They advance to the Welsh 22. Wales turns it over and again Priestland kicks. Halfpenny beats the Samoans to the ball, but it bounces awkwardly off his knee and into touch.

Wales attack, but there’s some kind of cock-up in the backs, and S. Williams punts the ball off the ground into touch.

Wales are awarded a free kick because Samoa take too long at a lineout. They opt for a scrum. It collapses, and Rolland awards a penalty to Samoa. [All very scrappy, and Samoa don’t look overly troubled. I really wish Stephen Jones was playing just to put a bit of control on this game now. Halfpenny aside, Wales seem a little too harassed here.]

There’s twenty minutes left to play, and Samoa are a point ahead, and pretty much in the driving seat. I’m starting to feel sick.

Samoa attack, putting together a large number of phases, but eventually give away a penalty.

Wales attack, but the Samoans quickly turn it over. There’s a break in play, and [the man universally (in my house) recognised as The Best Rugby Player In The World™] Gethin Jenkins (Hurrah!) comes on for Paul James, and [the less-feted] Lloyd Burns comes on for Huw Bennett.

Wales attack. They manage to put together ten phases of mostly backs play, before they’re awarded a penalty a few metres outside the Samoan 22. Priestland hits it, and Wales go into the lead with 5 mins remaining.

Wales 12 - 10 Samoa

Leigh Halfpenny takes a high ball, scrambles away from three Samoan tackles and charges halfway up the pitch. Superb. [Additionally awesome is the fact that three strides into his break, Halfpenny tucks the ball under one arm and adjusts his scrumcap before continuing to burn off up the wing. The nonchalance! There’s that unflusterability I was talking about.] He passes it to Jonathan Davies, whose [truly] woeful return pass goes nowhere near anyone and bounces onto the ground. Shane Williams pops up out of nowhere, though, scoops it up, and runs it over for a try. The man is a marvel. Someone (I presume Priestland; I was too busy typing excitedly to watch.) misses the kick. [Deep exhalation. Well played Leigh and Shane. JD2 needs to have a word with himself though]

Wales 17 - 10 Samoa

Alun Wyn Jones comes off and Bradley Davies comes on. Some Samoans come off for some other Samoans. [One of these Samoans is James Sooialo who conclusively ends the haircut debate in Samoa’s favour by bringing what can only be reverently described as the King of Mullets into the sporting arena. Well played, sir.]

Ten minutes left. I think I’m going to vomit. [Strangely, I feel relaxation creeping in. I think I might actually trust this team and believe they can close this game out professionally. I might just be delirious with tiredness though. It is approximately 5:40am.]

George North! gets nailed by a Samoan and doesn’t get up for some time.

Priestland kicks a long ball and chases. Paul Williams evades his tackle though, and the Samoans attack. Tuilagi is eventually brought down, and Warburton does sterling work in forcing a penalty.

Wales concede a penalty, and Samoa take it quickly. They advance into the Welsh 22, and Wales give away another penalty. With five minutes remaining, Samoa opt to kick for touch and an attacking lineout. The Samoan forwards win it, and smash away at the line until the ball suddenly pops out of the side of the ruck, and Faletau gathers it. Welsh scrum.

The scrum collapses, and is reset. ITV player suddenly turns all turquoise. This is not helping my queasiness. Okay it’s back to normal again. Samoa push too early, and Rolland awards Wales a free kick. They kick for touch and it’s a Samoan lineout. Samoa attack again, and inch their way into the Welsh half. But then they fail to release in the tackle, and it’s a Welsh penalty. Priestland kicks for touch, and we have a Welsh lineout with less than a minute remaining.

Wales win the lineout. But as time runs out, Wales concede a penalty and simultaneously Samoa turn it over. After a short period of advantage, Rolland calls it back and allows them to tap and run it. The Samoans attack desperately, but then Wales turn it over, and Priestland boots the ball into touch to end the game.

Final Score: Wales 17 - 10 Samoa

That was exhausting. Some people say that the hallmark of great teams is that they can play badly, but still pull out the win. Wales did that today, but I’m not convinced. [Yes agreed. Sadly I don’t think that this example of playing badly equates to Wales being a great team on an off-day.] They seemed completely unequipped to handle the physicality and intensity of Samoa, [at the breakdown anyway—in open play, our boys put themselves about,] and the precision and composure they showed against South Africa seemed missing today, [I think the absence of Lydiate was critical in this regard,] except, crucially for the last fifteen minutes after they went ahead. On the other hand, this is Samoa. Samoa! We never beat them in the World Cup! Halfpenny was good [very good] at fullback, too.

If Samoa hadn’t made so many errors when attacking (knock-ons and the like) then they definitely would have won.

Conclusion: Neither of these teams will win the World Cup.

[Conclusion II: I would definitely swap Phillips for the Samoan 9, Kahn Fotuali’i. Which is precisely what the Ospreys have just done. Good bit of business, look forward to seeing him playing over here.]

[Conclusion III: We beat Samoa in a World Cup! Progress…]

[Conclusion IV: A number of these Samoans will be joining Adam Kleeberger (CAN), Radike Samo (AUS) and Todd Clever (USA) in my Best Haircut XV of the World Cup. Now there’s something to look forward to.]