Wales vs England
It’s that time of the year again! The Six Nations tournament is upon us, so I can look forward to 2 months of Welsh underachievement, and you, dear reader, can look forward to another series of not-quite-liveblogs written collaboratively by yours truly and intrepid WYWG pitch-side reporter, Tom. [Almost literally pitch-side! These are awesome tickets. Wow, rugby players are MASSIVE. Bigger than on telly and everything.] As always, this is me, and [this is Tom]. So lets get cracking!
Despite the fairly terrible summer the Welsh side has had, I can’t help but feel a surge of optimism as the national anthems are played. [Whereas I, accompanied by a confident Englishman, and some beers worse off following the train journey to Cardiff, am less sunny in my outlook.]
Eddie Butler and Brian Moore are commentating today. They’re definitely my favourite pairing. [This is because you can’t see the pitch-side Little & Large act of Derwyn Jones and Gareth Edwards commentating for, I’m guessing, S4C. 6 foot 10 really is very tall. Also, I am in the stadium so I can’t hear them, or Jiffy, Jerry, or effing John Inverdale. How will I summon up the proper levels of “game rage”? Will I be happy sans commentators, or do I secretly actually prefer having a smarmy know-nothing ire-target to keep my blood boiling through the game? Let’s find out!]
I cannot believe Andy Powell is back in the squad again, let alone starting at number 8. [Powell quite plainly has some pictures of Gatland that would shame Joel Monaghan. (Google it.) (WYWG: Not while you’re at work, though!) ] Not feeling so optimistic as Eddie Butler reads through the squads. Brian Moore “can’t wait”. He seems genuinely to be giddy with excitement. [This seems to coincide with the jaunty air of many an Englishman on the train down here…]
Kick-off! Stephen Jones almost knocks himself out in an early tackle. [My English companion is on his feet. My lager-induced melancholy increases a notch or two.] I know even before he speaks that Moore is going to criticise Jones’s tackling technique. (Head wrong side.) Wales are penalised at the first scrum, but then England elect to take another scrum after a stoppage in play, which Wales win against the head, before England give away a penalty. James Hook narrowly misses the long kick. [Did someone say Gavin?]
Wales 0 - 0 England
Andy Powell touches the ball twice in the first four minutes. The first time he runs into a tackle, and the second he kicks the ball away to kill off the first half-decent Welsh attack. Good stuff. [Also he has dyed his hair bright blond like a ’90s Romanian footballer. He looks even more simple than usual.]
England give away a penalty for coming in at the side of a ruck. Moore: “Well, I’m afraid… that’s dull.” Jones has a go at this one. Miss. Welsh kicking stats: 0/2. [So just the 6 points gone begging so far. Let’s hope we don’t lose by 6!]
England make an attack, but Foden doesn’t release after the tackle by Williams and gives away a penalty. Moore points out that, in addition to the transgression, he was holding the ball in the wrong hand as he ran. Wales kick and it’s an England line-out. They win it cleanly.
The scrum collapses and Wales are penalised for not binding. Attacking England line-out. They win it and set up a maul. After a long period with England’s Ashton unmarked out on the right wing signalling for a cross-field kick, England eventually spin it out and then do a bit of slapstick comedy, passing the ball about a metre too high for Ashton, who reacts by tripping over his own feet and sprawling on the ground. [This is quite liderally my first chance so far to goad my English buddy. Opportunity seized with relish. Feeling fairly sure that there might not be many more chances…]
England attack again and Flood runs through a massive hole in the Welsh defence with Ashton in support. Soft try. Flood converts it. First blood to England.
Wales 0 - 7 England [Should be 6-7. Quite annoyed, though mostly still morose.]
The Welsh scrum is looking pretty shaky. Which I guess isn’t all that surprising seeing as both our first choice props are off injured. Powell picks up the ball, is tackled, and Wales concede a penalty pretty much in front of the posts. Moore makes a point about referee Alain Rolland’s inconsistent treatment of the scrum. I love how angry he gets about the details. [I am quite glad I can’t hear Moore & Butler at this stage. Instead I am muttering darkly to myself as the first half goes from bad to worse.]
Wales 0 - 10 England
After the kick-off Wales are awarded a scrum just outside the English 22.
The Welsh attack is looking pretty unimaginative at present. (Much like all last year.) We still have players capable of flashes of skill, but tactically, there’s not much going on at all. Smash it down the blind side a couple of times and then spin it out and get tackled.
Welsh scrum is looking very shaky. They eventually win one cleanly, and Jones kicks the ball straight into touch. England win their line-out and mount an attack. After several phases, Wales turn the ball over and all of a sudden Mike Phillips is attacking with Stoddart in support. He’s brought down into touch by Foden.
Wales mount an attack (they look much more dangerous from broken play) and get within 5m of the English try-line. Deacon comes round the side to spoil and is yellow carded. Jones kicks the penalty.
Wales 6 - 10 England
England attempt to hold on to the ball for the entire 10 mins that they’re down to 14 men, and are doing so quite successfully until Powell goes offside.
Wales 6 - 13 England
Rees throws the ball miles over the line-out, but luckily for Wales, English scrum-half Youngs knocks it on. Ryan Jones comes on for Andy Powell. And Wales lose their scrum.
Sonja McLaughlan on the sideline informs us that Andy Powell has hurt his shoulder.
All of a sudden Wales have got numbers out wide. Jones kicks cross-field, but Stoddart can’t quite get a hold of it and knocks it on. [Holy moly, that would have been one for the highlight reel. All of a sudden I am convinced that Wales are about to rouse from their slumber, and put this average English team to the sword. The sword I tell you!]
Moore informs us of Alain Rolland’s role: “He is the referee.”
Wales attack from deep. They kick ahead, England knock on, and Wales will have one last scrum before half-time. Deacon is back on, and the 10 min period score was 3-3. [This is not a good sign. Whilst certainly not “bossing” it, England are effectively middle-managing this game at least. Martin Johnson as David Brent, if you will.]
Half-time score: Wales 6 - 13 England [Ha! I have beaten the half-time rush to the loo. Now I can see the full glory of Scott Quinnell hosting a kicking contest between a Wales fan and an England fan, duking it out for £400 of Thomas Cook vouchers. £400! Not even the slightest “Oooh” from the audience. Tough crowd, Scott. Wales lose 3-1—OMEN!]
Wales start the second period a little more feisty, and win a penalty. Jones bangs over a tricky kick.
Wales 9 - 13 England
England win another line-out. Their line-out’s been impeccable so far tonight. [So much for Gatland’s “mind games” with the England hooker. Welsh public will be hoping for a bit more brain engagement from their glorious leader in the rest of the tournament.]
Mitchell is sin binned for hands in the ruck. Bit harsh, as that’s pretty much Wales’s first such offence. [Also Mitchell has done alright so far and we haven’t suffered the scrumpocalypse that many feared. Yet.]
Wales 9 - 16 England
Mike Phillips makes a string of three consecutive passes which don’t go to anyone. The next time he gets the ball he runs instead. Ugh. [2009—best scrum half in the world. 2011—third (?) best scrum half in Wales. Good coaching everyone!]
Wales hold on to the ball for the first 6 mins of the sin bin period, but when England do eventually get their hands on the ball they very quickly advance to the Welsh try line. Welsh defensive scrum. Yapp is subbed on for Lydiate so that Wales have a full front row. Wales win the scrum and kick for touch. England line-out on the Welsh 22.
England put together another couple of phases and Ashton scores a fairly straightforward try. Flood makes the kick.
Wales 9 - 23 England
[So, 10 points from their 10 min advantage, seven more than Wales managed. It really feels like England are not being made to work hard for this win. And I just cannot envisage it being anything but an England win now. I go to the bar.]
Wales attack but nothing comes of it. However, the English kick for touch doesn’t make it, Jonathan Davies breaks through the English line, and Stoddart does a nifty spin move [or “falls over”] in order to catch the poor pass and goes over [“scrambles somewhat inelegantly”] for the try. [They all count!] Jones kicks it. [We are definitely going to win! C’mon boys, they don’t like it up ’em, etc. etc.]
Wales 16-23 England
England sub on Wilson for Sheridan.
Once a game, Shane Williams will do something stupid. We all forgive him for it, because generally, once a game he’ll do something brilliant too. Today’s blunder: in midst of a Welsh attack from their own half, he passes the ball behind his back to no-one.
Worsley comes on for Haskell. Care comes on for Youngs. Wales give away a penalty on the halfway line and England’s Wood, Williams, and Flood are all down injured. When he gets up, Flood makes a good kick for an England line-out well within the Welsh 22.
Wilkinson comes on for Flood, and is roundly booed by the Welsh crowd. Moore thinks “that’s pathetic.” [From where I’m sitting it seems pretty pantomime. I don’t think there’s any real anti-Wilkinson animus here.]
Jones comes off, Hook moves to 10 and Byrne comes on at fullback. England give away a penalty. Hook, instead of kicking, lies down for a bit of R&R. After his spa treatment, he makes the easy kick. With ten mins remaining, the score is:
Wales 19 - 23 England [Game on! A little bit of composure here boys and we’re in. You know, composure?]
All the rest of the substitutes for both teams come on. They’ve made the effort to turn up: may as well give ’em a game!
Lee Byrne kicks straight to touch from inside the 22, but after Wales carried it back. Which gives England an attacking line-out about 15m out from the try-line. [I may have sworn very loudly using a bad word. The nice lady in the Llanelli jersey in front of me has given me quite the frown. Also, it is now seemingly impossible for Byrne to play an international without at least one episode of kicking like a rank amateur. I could wring his tango’d neck.] England win the line-out and set up an effective rolling maul. They then smash away at the line for a couple of minutes, during which Moore critiques their rucking technique. Details! The Welsh defence holds, though, and wins a penalty. The attack from their line-out fails before the halfway line, though, as Byrne fails to release the ball after a tackle. [Can Lee Byrne move to France already please?] Wilkinson kicks it over. How irritating. Side-note: I know he’s been injured a lot, but it’s still really not a good idea to try to run through Wilkinson. Stop doing it. [Also he now has the strength of Buddha’s wisdom to aid him in “winning the collisions”—he’s the Zen Ten! Maybe he has a special watch. (Anyone, children’s cartoon reference??) (WYWG: Nope… don’t get it.) ]
Wales 19-26 England
Wales attack for a few phases, but eventually give away a penalty with just over a minute remaining. Moore awards the man of the match award to Toby Flood. [Who has epitomised England’s efficiency. He and his team have done enough to win, and Wales have failed to set the “enough” bar very high at all.]
Bizarrely, Wales win what will clearly be the final English line-out. That’s the first one England have lost all day. Jamie Roberts is tackled. It’s the first time I’ve noticed him the entire game. [As with Phillips, Roberts seems to have gone backwards since the Lions tour. He was player of the series! What do Wales do in training?]
England snuff out the attack and that’s it. Care kicks the ball off.
Final Score: Wales 19 - 26 England
[More than anything, it is the lack of Welsh spirit today that worries me for the rest of the 6N. That and the lack of basic skills.]
Moore sums it up, “Very easy: more clinical, more direct, more points.” [I don’t know about very easy, but the rest of Moore’s summation is hard to argue with. Wales have been very poor, and England were efficient. I don’t imagine NZ and SA quaking in their boots. And I don’t imagine me feeling very confident before next week’s game with Scotland.]
Just before they return to the studio, Moore remarks on the Welsh tendency to move laterally instead of, you know, forwards up the pitch: “Jonathan Davies will be pulling his hair out.” Back in the studio, John Inverdale snaps, “Well at least he’s got some.” Meow. [I am a glad I can neither see nor hear Inverdale. Don’t think I could take it.]
Conclusion: It’s not going to be a good year for Welsh rugby fans, I think.
[Conclusion Deux: drinking 10 pints of lager normally makes me much happier than this.]
