England vs Wales
After the stunning success of my series of almost-liveblogs of the British Basketball team’s campaign at Eurobasket, I decided to do something similar for Wales’s games in the Six Nations, starting with the game against England, in Twickenham.
After writing it, I sent it to friend-of-WYWG-Tom for fact-checking, and he added his own interjections. I thought I would include these, too. But in order for you to be able to distinguish his inane ramblings from my startlingly perspicacious insight, his comments are in italics. And so you can distinguish them from actual italics, they are also segregated with [square brackets]. Typography! It’s a hobby.
Due to some family commitments (Hello, nephew! I’m sorry you are not named Flinder or Pops, but Antoine is an excellent name too.) I’m watching the game on tape delay, and with the knowledge that at some point someone is 20-3 up, and that there was a photo of an English player diving over the try line on the back of at least one Sunday paper. I am not feeling good about this.
England penalty. 3-0.
Brian Moore is such a grumpy old man. He’s permanently disgusted. He’s disgusted by the players’ mistakes, by the referee’s decisions, by some of Eddie Butler’s more flippant remarks, by the general state of the current game. He’s also shamelessly partisan, in the sense that he is always very clearly pulling for England to win. He is equally disgusted by England’s ineptitudes, though, so he ends up as a fairly even-handed commentator. I find him—and especially his interactions with the pseudo-Welsh Eddie Butler—endlessly entertaining.
England get a penalty, and instead of kicking for goal, Johnny Wilkinson bangs it into the corner. England win the lineout and drive over the line but are held up. The ensuing two scrums fail, and Wales win a penalty to get out of danger.
England have won three of Wales’s lineouts.
Twenty minutes in, Hook misses a long penalty, also having missed his first. [This twenty minutes will not have converted any non-rugby fans who happened to have switched to BBC 1 on Saturday afternoon looking for “entertainment”.]
Martyn Williams makes a break down the blindside, but the move is snaffled out when a Welsh chip is collected by Mark Cuerto.
Wales finally win a lineout. I can’t remember the last time lineouts weren’t a massive hole in the Welsh arsenal.
Gareth Cooper makes a great break from an English scrum, but then kicks it away. [This neatly sums up Wales’s inability to do two good things in a row thus far.] Wales are looking a little livelier now.
Since James Hook has missed both his kicks, Stephen Jones has a go, and knocks one over. 3-3.
As James Hook leaps for a high ball, Ugo Monye bizarrely lies down on the floor about a yard ahead of him. The tactic(?) works, as Hook lands, and then immediately trips over him.
Lee Byrne, normally so reliable, drops a high ball, also having dropped his first.
Alun Wyn Jones gets sin-binned for [a really preposterously] obvious trip. Brian Moore: “Well that’s just half-witted isn’t it? Just… just, dull.” He continues for another minute or so. “I don’t know what goes through his head. That’s just just just thick!”
Wilkinson slots over the penalty, 6-3. Lee Byrne knocks on another high ball, which, had he caught it, could well have put Wales through for a try. England immediately charge down the pitch and over the goal-line, but are held up again, with a massive overlap out wide.
This time they are awarded a free-kick out of the scrum, which Care takes quickly, and they’re again held up over the line. Brian Moore on Martyn Williams: “Warrior.”
England have another scrum, fumble the pickup, but keep the ball. T Payne in the hizzouse! Eventually, James Haskell drives over for the try, and England go into the half 13-3 up. Brian Moore points out that this is all Alun Wyn Jones’s fault. He does not approve of Haskell’s, fairly restrained, celebration. [Moore may spontaneously combust if Delon Armitage scores and indulges in his usual bout of ostentatious badge-kissing.]
Colin Charvis tries to convince Sonia the sideline reporter that the trip shouldn’t really have been a yellow card, but admits that if you’re going by “the letter of the law”, it actually should have. Sonia thinks it “absolutely was” a yellow card offense. Perhaps the BBC thinks the bias cancels out? [Sonia and Colin are no Fern and Phil in terms of easy going on-screen chemistry/camaraderie. They’re not even Phil and Holly to be honest.]
Charvis: “Wales: their lineout hasn’t functioned properly, the goal-kickers haven’t been functioning very well, and unfortunately then just discipline gives away the first half, and they can’t afford that at this level.”
Sonia: “Certainly can’t. Good stuff!”
Everyone in the studio is pretty disgusted at Alun Wyn Jones’s behaviour, too. [He has been a naughty boy, and Shaun Edwards might send him to bed without his supper tonight.]
Lee Byrne gathers a high ball! [No wonder Jerry Guscott thinks he’s the best player in the world.] Wales get into the England half but I know they’re not going to score because England have to score another seven points first. England immediately turn the ball over at the breakdown, and score a try. Alun Wyn Jones, the WORST MAN IN WALES, is still in the sin-bin.
England 20 - 3 Wales.
Wales gather a loose English pass, and a phase later Lee Byrne surges into the English 22. Wales get a penalty, but the commentators point out that they shouldn’t have. Wales, now back to 15 men, elect to take the scrum instead of kicking for 3 points.
Jamie Roberts is a horse. [Not literally, as that would be (a) unfair and pretty contrary to the spirit of the game and (b) a pretty dowdy name for a horse.] The ball is recycled, swung out wide, and Adam Jones beats his man for speed and flies over the line for a try! Adam Jones looks like this:
Stephen Jones knocks over the conversion. [That conversion from Jones capped a move the last three passes of which were Jones to Jones to Jones. The last Jones could have passed to a Williams (that is S. Williams, not A. Williams - there is no A. Williams in the side) - indeed Jones the Last paused and thought about said pass - but sensing the need for Jonesian purity, opts instead to bellyflop over the tryline. Boinnng. Adam Jones is a prince among men.]
England 20 - 10 Wales. [Don’t call it a comeback.]
Stephen Jones misses a penalty and Delon Armitage smacks it out wide for a lineout. The Welsh throw in isn’t even close to being straight. Wales really suck at lineouts. Wales sub on Huw Bennett to throw at the lineout and immediately win one. [Queries re: selector’s decision making process spring to the mind of every Welsh man, woman and child - did they think they could beat England with no lineout possession?]
A Welsh attack makes it as far as the English line but they knock it on. Wales almost win the scrum against the head, but then it collapses.
England have won all 6 of their lineouts. Wales have won 5 of 9.
England attack, Cuerto dinks it through the Welsh line, and it’s a Welsh scrum 5 metres out from the Welsh line. Wales win their scrum though, and kick for safety.
Tom James makes a break down the line, but runs out of space, and England gather the ball. [He is not making bucketloads of great decisions in this game by any means - time for Leigh Halfpenny, the youngest player in the history of the world ever at just 9-1/2 years old. Quick though.]
Johnny Wilkinson cannily kicks the ball out to test the Welsh lineout. [Clinical.]
Ryan Jones is good under the high ball. That’s why he’s the captain!
England have a scrum on their own ten yard line, there’s 20 mins left and, bearing in mind I’m pretty sure England are going to win, I’m bored. Colin Charvis, on the sideline, is openly hoping for an English yellow card so Wales can make some inroads on England’s 10 point lead.
Brian Moore is sickened by the officiating of scrums in this game. I’m blaming the fact that I’m writing mostly about the commentary at this point on the sloppiness of the game over the past 20 mins. It’s definitely not because, despite having played the sport for twenty-odd years, I don’t really know anything about rugby.
The Welsh scrum half, Cooper, makes a woe-begotten effort of a pass and is subbed off. (It was by no means his first error.) Like me, Moore and Butler have given up on the match too, and are now talking solely about the myriad substitutions.
After a long period of Welsh possession, Hook darts through the line, shrugs off a tackle, hands off Danny Care in the FACE, and scores a try. [In what has been a very poor game, this one bit of elusive skill seems to have been teleported in from another sport/galaxy/dimension - ooh James Hook, he’s like an ugly Gavin Henson he’s so good.] Moore: “In the vernacular of Sir Alex Ferguson, it’s squeaky bum time.”
England 20 - 17 Wales. [Hope, that whorish deceiver, leaps into the breast of foolish Welshmen everywhere. Soon AWJ will yomp 70 yards down the pitch and score the winning try like he almost did against NZ and thus redeem himself, his family name, and his entire country in a glorious fairytale ending.]
Wales attack again [- there’s a palpable sense of England being on the ropes here]. But England intercept in their own half and, after a couple of nifty passes James Haskell scores a second try. [Celebrations immediately exceed the acceptable Moore limits of firm handshakes all round. No comment from Mr Grumpypants this time though - I like to think because he’s busy pulling faces and making rude hand gestures at Butler up in the commentary box.] Wilkinson makes the conversion, and England are up 27-17, with 5 mins left.
Shane Williams makes a break, but nothing comes of it. Wilkinson kicks it into touch, and the game is effectively over. Then England get a penalty a few metres into the Welsh half.
Moore awards the man of the match to James Haskell, but can’t resist pointing out that “he hasn’t always been my favourite player.” [It would seem that celebrating scoring is absolute anathema to the “Pitbull” - good job he’s not commentating on the Superbowl tonight.] Wilkinson kicks the penalty as expected. 30-17.
And now the game is actually over.
Final Score: England 30 - 17 Wales
In summary: Wales showed a couple of signs of life and of the invention that was lacking last year, but generally were pretty bad [and at points woefully inept]. England didn’t really convince me either, despite scoring almost twice as many points. Other than the first fifteen minutes or so—when they had about 90% of the possession—and the ten minute period when Wales had 14 men and England scored 17 unanswered points, they never really looked dominant.
Having said that, Ireland majorly took their foot off the gas in the second half in their win over Italy, and what I saw of France’s win over Scotland wasn’t that convincing either, so I guess it’s anyone’s tournament.
Apart from Alun Wyn Jones. BAD ALUN WYN JONES.
[Other points of interest to me:
- Tom James’ fumble bounced off his chest - that is so far from almost catching it. I would like my international rugby representatives to at least get their hands near the ball when they are in “catching” scenarios
- Danny Care’s try was revealed on the replays to be in no small part created by a very impressive bit of crafty cheating by Simon Shaw, who stretched out a rangy limb and took Gareth Williams feet away, thus creating the gap for care - AWJ take note, this is how to get away with it…
- Gatland went to town on AWJ in the post-match. However, he is very good so is in no danger whatsoever of being dropped. Gareth Cooper however, who I have staunchly defended in the past, should probably have played his last game for Wales…
- (4.05pm Update - both Cooper and Gareth Williams (the hooker) have kept their places which seems pretty odd to me (can’t see that Williams should be clearing much more space on the clubhouse walls for his framed international jerseys TBH)- AWJ gets the nod too - Thomas in for Charteris and Halfpenny for James are the only changes.)
- The thing I dislike most (from a long list) about Butler’s pseudo-Welshness (and this from a pseudo-Taff himself) is the way he luxuriates in his role as the BBC’s appointed Celtic Bard of rugby just because he knows some long words. He does all these portentous voice-overs for the highlight reels that really get my goat. Tool.]
