Wales vs France
Below lies the third installment in my notliveblogging of the Welsh campaign at the Six Nations. As in previous episodes, I am normal, and [Tom is all like this.]
As the national anthems play, I can feel the adrenaline. This despite the fact that again, I already know who is going to win, having failed—like the Likely Lads—to make it home uninformed.
Your commentators: Jonathan Davies and Nick Mullins. Wales give away a penalty within the first couple of minutes, and their lineout is tested for the first time. Jonathan Davies’s attempts at pronouncing French names are hilarious. [What is also impressive is that he never mangles these names the same way twice - he has infinite variations of the word “Jauzion”. I’m pretty sure he also describes the French No.8 as “Harry Nor-Donkey” at one point.]
Lee Byrne catches his first high ball. Wales are missing tackles left, right, and centre. France attack out wide and chip ahead, and Shane Williams touches it down for a 22 dropout.
The tiny, childlike Leigh Halfpenny attempts to run through 17-stone Bastareaud. Yeah, That’s not gonna happen, son. [Bastareaud might eat him instead.]
Just as I think Wales are looking okay, Alexis Palisson intercepts a gift of a pass from James Hook and scores an easy try. Wales 0 - 7 France. [Oh, man alive, this try - where to start? The entire stadium could see Palisson loitering in the Welsh line, and it’s just massively depressing that Hook, arguably Wales’s No.1 playmaker, just carried on with the move that was called instead of playing what was in front of him. A stupendously galling passage of play.]
Hook and another Welsh player collide running for a high ball. Good communication, lads.
Richie Rees appears to be capable of passing without first running a couple of paces towards his intended receiver. Refreshing. [Also he looks a bit like a pirate. Avast!]
Wales are penalised for collapsing the scrum and it’s lineout time again!
Trinh-Duc misses a drop-goal attempt by a country mile.
Now France are penalised at the scrum. Lets see if they can win their own lineout. Yes!
Adam Jones, you are not a scrum-half. That was a bad, bad pass. The ball rotated end over end at least twice, and it only went 5 yards! [This god-awful pass also ends up with his captain getting voraciously walloped by the waiting French hordes. A very, very poor passage of play. Depression levels sink a further notch or two.]
Stephen Jones is penalised for running ahead of the kicker after a huge Lee Byrne kick, and France gain an easy 50 yards to have a scrum in the Welsh 22. [Gah! Massive pedantry from Kaplan - goddam refs and their “rules”…]
Jonathan Kaplan gives the front rows a ticking off for not waiting for his call. Davies: “Maybe he should speak a bit quicker then.”
France attack, but knock it on.
Wales have a lineout, I don’t see it because the BBC in their wisdom have their cameras pointing in entirely the wrong direction. When they do cut to a relevant camera, France have the ball, and Martin Williams gives away a penalty 45m from the goalposts. Parra kicks it. [Parra is an instantly dislikeable little turd. As are all scrum-halves. Apart from the Welsh ones.]
Wales 0 - 10 France.
After the restart, Shane Williams attempts a slide tackle on the catcher. Unconventional. It is unsuccessful.
Jones breaks through the French line with a good Welsh move, but kicks it a little too far.
Lee Byrne picks up the ball inside his own 22 and kicks it into touch past the French 22. He’s got a boot on him, that’s for sure.
Mullins: “The lineout has been a little bit dodgy.” Not as dodgy as your coverage of it, mate. Why do the BBC refuse to use a camera angle from which we could see if the lineout is straight?
Despite being 10 points down 20 minutes in, I’m actually feeling encouraged by the Welsh performance so far. [I admire this optimism.] Then they give away the ball though, and then a scrum.
There is a brief break in play, and Davies takes the opportunity to demonstrate the excellent cheating that Lee Byrne used to create space for Jones in the best Welsh attack so far. In basketball terminology, that is called a “pick” and is allowed. This is not basketball though. [Also, a lot of Wales’s “strike” moves seem to rely on this fairly obvious blocking technique. Back to the whiteboard coaches!]
Stephen Jones makes a great tackle on Jauzion [“Joe-zee-yune”], but then the referee awards what the replay shows to be an undeserved penalty. Parra kicks this one too. I am pleased I have him in my fantasy squad.
Wales 0 - 13 France.
Mullins calls Wales “The Comeback Kings.” I am finding his commentary intensely irritating.
Shane Williams is tackled clear off the screen! Ouch. He’d already offloaded the ball, though, so the Welsh attack continues. The French defense has been excellent so far. Very quick. [And very unflustered - they don’t look very worried by anything Wales are doing.] Wales have lost 20 yards in this “attack”, and then France turn it over. Parra kicks it away, though, and Wales win a (not straight) lineout.
Shane Williams catches a high ball and falls over before the tackler arrives. I told you he did that a lot.
Poitrenaud kicks it backwards, but Ryan Jones gets too excited and knocks it on. French scrum. French free kick. Wales turn it over. Rees puts up a little box kick, Parra fumbles it, and then shouts at a team mate as if that was somehow their fault. [See? Turdlike…]
Welsh lineout on the French 22.
They win it and work a great move on the line, Rees spinning it hard back to Shane Williams running up the line, but the French prop manages to snare Williams, taking him into touch. [Good work Nicolas Mas - props tackling Shane are only rarely spotted.] France win their own lineout, but then give away a scrum. It collapses, and Wales elect to reset the scrum instead of taking the free kick.
The scrum collapses twice more, and the second time the ref awards a penalty to the French. The Millennium stadium has been very quiet for almost the entire half.
French lineout within the Welsh 22.
Bastareaud knocks on and the Welsh clear. Shane Williams makes a mini break, and almost gets past the French defenders, but Trinh-Duc intercepts the ball when Williams attempts to pass it out of the tackle, and runs unimpeded to score. [His joyous expression is profoundly upsetting. Damn your eyes, Francois.]
Wales 0 - 20 France. The Millennium Stadium is almost silent. Mullins calls Wales “the comeback kings” again and I want to stab him in the face.
The studio analysts don’t have much good to say about the Welsh performance. [My traditional half-time phone call with my father raises the unwelcome spectre of a second-half “shellacking” the likes of which Wales have not endured for a good few years. We are both viewing the next 40 mins with some trepidation.] Charvis and Healey make an excellent point about how the French aren’t committing any defenders to rucks, and that the Welsh, instead of spinning it out wide, need to run through the middle or use tactical kicking to have any chance of beating them. This they are not doing. They don’t really have anything to say about France, apart from pointing out that Bastareaud is a monster with (fortunately for Wales) dinner plates for hands. [Really he’s just a tubby 21 year old who pines for the days when rugby players didn’t have to wear lycra tops.]
Second Half
John Inverdale says something incredibly idiotic about Lazarus being on the bench for Wales as he passes coverage back to Nick and Jonathan. And we’re off!
Nick Mullins is an idiot. He just says inane thing after inane thing. None of them so far have been amusingly ridiculous enough for me to transcribe, but the general effect is of someone that has no idea what they are talking about just reeling off clichés to compensate for not actually having anything to say. I am aware that I’m not really in a place to be criticising anyone for over employing clichés.
Richie Rees has made two fantastic tap tackles so far in this match. I like him. [Also he has yet to succumb to scurvy - must be the halftime oranges.] Shane Williams and James Hook make some ground with some footballing skills, but the only man in support, Luke Charteris can’t quite catch the pass. [Considering he is 6 ft 9, with the wingspan of a pterodactyl, this means that it was a bad pass. Hook is not having his best game here.] Mullins start wittering on about medals. Davies: “A try would be fantastic.” Insight.
Wales have a penalty. Let’s get on the board! Stephen Jones kicks it, and becomes the leading Welsh scorer ever.
Wales 3 - 20 France
Wales try a move which ends in Shane Williams attempting to beat 4 French defenders in no space. Odd. France almost win the ball back with what is described by Davies as “excellent” counter-rucking. But we don’t see it because the BBC has elected instead to show us a hyper-extreme-closeup on the ball lying motionless on the ground. Wales penalty.
Wales 6 - 20 France
30 mins left to play. Wales are looking much more competitive this half. Jauzion [“Jaw-zayoon”] gives away a penalty with a flagrant off-the-ball tackle. The kick for touch is proclaimed to be excellent by Jonathan Davies. Again, I can’t comment because the BBC cameras were pointing somewhere else.
Charvis says that Wales have “gone up the guts” of the French. This is the third time that a member of the commentary team has mentioned “going up guts” since Jonathan Davies said that was what was required ten mins ago at the start of the half. Guts!
Fifteen mins into the half and Wales have had all the possession. [Actually like watching a different side.] The French have it now though. Although they immediately kick it away.
Lee Byrne kicks for touch, and Wales win a lineout and put together an impressive maul. Now the stadium is getting a little more rowdy. Wales get a penalty, but Lee Byrne fluffs the kick for touch and it’s a French dropout. Cardiff is silent again. [Request permission to use awful acronym? OMFG!!! I cannot express just how poor that missed touch was - Byrne looked completely casual as he stepped up, didn’t set himself, or take a breath, just swung a lazy leg and F-CKED EVERYTHING UP.]
Mullins claims that a French knock-on saves the French. Arrgh!
Stats! Wales have had 75% of the territory. Nick and Jonathan point out a more important stat, though. The score, which is still 20-6 in France’s favour.
Not for long though! Williams makes a superb long pass to Leigh Halfpenny, who scores in the corner. He’s little, but he’s fast. [Scuttle, Leigh, scuttle!]
Jones bangs over the conversion, and it’s Wales 13 - 20 France. [Permission to use sporting clichés? France are on indisputably “on the rack” here - it is liderallly “all Wales” at the moment. C’mon boys!]
A minute after the kickoff, we’re informed that Parra has previously been sin binned. We don’t know what for. I’m less pleased about his presence in my fantasy squad now. Wales are fired up now, as are the crowd. Wales attack again and make it almost to the French line.
Minutes later, Wales have another penalty, and Lee Byrne again misses touch. What? [Or, acronymically, WTF? WTFF Lee Byrne?]
A sublime chip through by Jones, and Roberts collects the ball past most of the French defense with Hook and Martyn Williams in support, but the pass doesn’t come until too late, and France win it back. [Oh boy, that was it, that was the game right there - Stephen Jones, who has been immense, is pretty much toying with France, and the grubber through, and the pick up from Roberts, just had “highlight reel” written all over it… there was a split second when the pass to Hook would have put him slashing through to the posts, but the pass didn’t go, and this makes me feel that Wales just haven’t got that precision they’ll need to get this job done, even though they are so absolutely in the ascendancy right now.]
France have subbed off half their team.
France win a couple of lineouts, and Michalak (on for Trinh-Duc) kicks the penalty. Mullins says something stupid about dragon’s breath. Wales are ten points behind again.
Wales 13 - 23 France
I must say, our lineout has been an entirely different animal this match. Although that one wasn’t straight. French scrum.
The “errors” stat is almost an inverse of the score: Wales 21 - 13 France
And Parra is back in the game. [In the ten minutes he’s been off the score is 3-0 to the team with one less player.]
Mullins, whilst discussing Adam Jones’s improved fitness, says that these days he puts in a “full shift at the coalface.” Because he is Welsh, you see? Idiot.
The French steal a Welsh ruck, and I’m not really sure how they don’t score from it. They’re awarded a penalty, though, and that’s basically game over.
Wales 13 - 26 France.
Lee Byrne hasn’t given up, and makes a brave run from deep. The Welsh attack continues, and culminates with Shane Williams scoring a great individual try (a record-breaking fiftieth for his country, and on his birthday, too). But he doesn’t look all that happy about it. Jones makes the conversion with the help of the post, but time is now up, and France aren’t going to make the same mistake Scotland did last week. They kick it into touch direct from the kickoff to end the game, and Inverdale reprises his ridiculous Lazarus line just in case we didn’t hear it the first time.
Final Score: Wales 20 - 26 France
Guscott sums it up for me. Why do Wales only start playing once the other team has such a big lead? Someone says that 40 minutes of rugby isn’t enough to beat France. No-one points out that the French only played 40 minutes of rugby in this match, too. I guess because that was enough to beat the Welsh. I also feel I should mention that in 2005 Wales won the Grand Slam whilst only playing 40 minutes a match, so it’s not like there’s no precedent of such a tactic being successful.
Conclusion: Wales are the most infuriating team in the world. [Seconded.]
