While You Were Gone

Ireland vs Wales

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:01:00 +0000

It’s the return of the Six Nations! And you know what that means! Liveblogs! As always, WYWG will be commentating mainly on the BBC’s coverage of the Welsh campaign, with occasional interjections on hairstyles and the actual rugby from friend-of-WYWG, Tom, whose comments will be [indicated via the dual mechanisms of italics and square brackets, thus.] Let’s go!

The show starts with a shot of John Inverdale cycling a woman’s bike¹ across a bridge. I’m not gonna lie—it’s pretty hilarious. Sam Warburton pops back to Rhiwbina for a quick interview at his boyhood rugby club. He seems like a very nice young man. Terrible taste in music, though. Wikipedia describes Rhiwbina as “a prosperous suburb of Cardiff.” [Hence the double-barrelled surname eh?]

Whilst running down the Irish team, Keith Wood mentions a “smell of revenge in the air.” What does revenge smell like? [Like Keith Wood’s scalp?]

Sonja McLaughlan, talking to Warren Gatland: “If you could bottle what Wales had at the Rugby World Cup I guess you’d be a very wealthy man.” Aaah I’ve missed the BBC’s coverage. Great stuff.

I am sad that I won’t get to see Shane Williams or Martyn Williams in a Wales shirt any more. Apparently “Cuthbert” is playing on the right wing for Wales today. He is 6′6″. Which I guess helped him get away with being called “Cuthbert” at school. [Although seeing as Cuthbert went to school in England (what with being English and all), it was probably okay to be called Cuthbert or Jasper or Ffordwyke-Smythe.]

Sonja’s talking to Colin Charvis now. She describes Faletau as “the Welsh-Tongan live wire”.

A graphic tells me that Conor Murray is playing in “hist first” [sic] Six Nations match today. The BBC, ladies and gentlemen!

Jeremy Guscott, Keith Wood, AND Jonathan Davies all pick Ireland to win. Boo!

I know this has been noted a thousand times before, but good God Leigh Halfpenny is fresh-faced. Are we sure he’s old enough to be playing international rugby? Has he got a permission slip from his Mum? [Yet in this team of thrusting youth, Leigh is an old hand—23 years old and 28 caps.]

Anthems over. Commentary team: Eddie Butler and Phillip Matthews. Let’s get cracking!

Eddie Butler says that Paul O’Connell is the reigning Lions coach. That seems pretty unlikely. He also thinks that Adam Jones is a “comforting presence”. [I couldn’t agree more.] My favourite thing he says before kick-off, though: “Rhys Priestland: fit, Jamie Roberts: fit.” But my gosh don’t they know it.

Ref is your friend and WYWG’s, Wayne Barnes.

Wales concede a couple of penalties early on. Sexton has a crack at the second one. While we wait for the kick, Eddie Butler reminisces fondly about a previous game Sexton played in: “kicking, running, and passing…” He almost sighs with bliss. [He normally saves these sorts of longeurs for descriptions of Sergio Parisse’s fabulous muscularity.]

Ireland 3 - 0 Wales

Wales have a lineout. The short throw doesn’t look all that straight to me, but Barnes thinks it’s fine, and Bradley Davies charges down the line, with the ball irritatingly palmed in one hand. Hold on to it properly! A few phases later, the Welsh backs run a fairly ineffectual move on the right wing. Phillips dives for the line after the ensuing ruck, but is stopped short in a crunching tackle. Wales spin the ball left, and George North! smashes through Kearney. Three Irish players manage to drag him down. Ryan Jones goes over the line, but the video ref can’t decide whether he manages to down the ball or is held up. Welsh 5m scrum. Barnes psyches out the scrum with an extra long “pause” command, and Wales are penalised for their resulting false start.

The BBC get Andy Nicol to “analyse” Wales’s successful lineout for 30 seconds or so, completely oblivious to the fact that play has restarted. Ugh.

Wales win a free kick at the scrum. They attack, and Priestland makes a superb wrap-around pass to Jonathan Davies who goes over for the try. [Slick from Priestland, and encouraging from Wales.] Priestland’s kick hits the post.

Ireland 3 - 5 Wales

Warburton finds himself isolated in midfield, but does a great job of not losing the ball in the tackle. Canny. [That he is. Not just a (slightly less than) pretty face, our Sam.]

Wales attack, and are looking confident now, trying some moves in the back line and attacking patiently with multiple phases. Ireland concede a penalty, which Priestland slaps into the post. That’s 2 from 2. [Unerring accuracy. Maybe they should make it extra points for hitting the posts?]

Halfpenny makes a poor decision under a high ball, attempting to take it by crouching down(?) as Kearney leaps over him. Ireland have a chance to attack, but immediately go offside. Wales kick for safety.

Eddie Butler on the lineout: “Huw Bennett, bang on halfway.” The lineout is shown to be a couple of metres away from the halfway line. Butler makes a quick recovery, “…almost.”

Another Welsh lineout. Phillip Matthews jinxes it by remarking that the Welsh lineout has been fairly successful so far. O’Connell steals Bennett’s throw-in.

Rhys Gill hugs an Irish forward from behind in a ruck, and slaps him repeatedly on the arse. I have no idea.

Wales seem to be kicking the ball in attack a lot now. Don’t really approve, especially as they don’t seem to be gaining much from the tactic.

Andy Nicol is analysing the Welsh try. He remarks that there were four Welsh attackers on the blindside. And then counts them off on the freeze-frame as little red numerals appear next to each. [Perhaps they can recycle this clip over on CBeebies?]

Ireland have an advantage in the Welsh half (I think, for befouling Bowe after he’s kicked the ball away). Sexton has a punt at a drop goal, which misses, so he has a go at the penalty. He misses that, too.

Kearney kung-fu kicks Halfpenny as he waits for a high kick. He’s adjudged to be attempting a play on the ball, though. [Yer man Kearney does have some “hops” as I believe the basketball parlance would have it.]

Butler channelling Nicholson: “Here’s Cuthbert!”

Ireland turn the ball over, but Bowe can’t hold onto McFadden’s pass and we have another Welsh lineout. Wales kick it away again, and Ireland attack. But Wales steal it back. Ireland just can’t seem to keep possession at the moment.

Wishing I hadn’t written that, as Ireland string together a series of phases and offloads and advance into the Welsh 22. Why would I jinx my own team like that! [In fits and starts, both teams have been playing some good stuff here. Wales just edging it I’d say, and worth more than there two point lead.]

Is someone talking dirty to Barnes over his headset? Whenever there’s a break in play, he’s got this odd little smirk on his face. [What a vile thought…]

Ireland have a penalty. They play the advantage, and then Best scores a fairly straightforward try. Sexton converts.

Ireland 10 - 5 Wales

[As I said, Wales definitely just edging it here…]

Wales attack, but Cuthbert knocks on Priestland’s pop pass, and we go into half time with Ireland up by 5.

Half time score: Ireland 10 - 5 Wales

Sonja thinks “you can feel the crowd here at the Aviva stadium really absorbed” by this “great game”. Charvis [the Welsh-English live-wire] on Ireland: “They’ll be confident and their juggernaut has just started rolling, so I’m sure they’ll be coming out with the confidence in the second half.” Ireland have a juggernaut? Is that allowed? Sonja asks how Wales should stop the “juggernaut you’ve just alluded to.” Charvis thinks the solution is to “go with your heart.” Everyone is obsessed about the “twists and turns” this match is displaying. THIS IS WHY I PAY MY LICENSE FEE.

Stats! Although at one point Wales had 75% of the territory and almost the same amount of possession, the counts currently stand at 60% and 54%, respectively. They’ve also won the ball in the opponent’s 22 fourteen times to Ireland’s 1. They’ve lost 3 lineouts, though. [And are 5 points down.]

Inverdale asks Jonathan Davies why Wales are down 10-5. Jiffy thinks it’s because Barnes asked the video ref whether to award the try rather than whether there was any reason not to award it. Guscott: “How cool are Ireland?” They’re like the goddamn Fonz up in here! [In all probability, a room full of rugby pundits is not the correct tribunal to rule on coolness.] Inverdale: “And there was that passage of play where Wales had so many… wblth… recycling of the ball… j’st t’dst th—the way that Ireland managed to hold out is extraordinary.” How much money does this man make? IT SHOULD BE MORE! As always, Wood mostly talks sense, and Jonathan Davies pronounces names phonetically.

Warburton has a dead leg, and won’t be playing in the second half. Frowny face.

The team actually do make a good point about the mistake Cuthbert made when Ireland scored their try. He should have immediately committed to tackle Bowe when Priestland went in for a tackle, and that he didn’t shows his inexperience. That’s the sort of thing I wouldn’t necessarily have picked up on myself (specifically the inexperience being the reason for his hesitation), and I’d love to hear more of it. As opposed to, say, Andy Nicol’s impression of The Count. Although if it took time away from Sonja’s repartee with Charvis I would not approve. [Point taken, it’s like Bogie and Bacall with those two sometimes. Someone give them a chat show. Or a sitcom. There’s a vacancy on Daybreak right?]

Inverdale: “James Hook is playing… for Cuthbert. So that’s interesting.” [Insight!]

Second Half

Kick-off! James Hook’s first act is to get turned over. Ireland scrum. It collapses, and Barnes awards Ireland a penalty. Sexton makes the kick. Matthews wonders if the turnover would have occurred had Warburton still been on the pitch. Answer: nope, and it wouldn’t have happened had Gethin been playing, either.

Ireland 13 - 5 Wales

[Urgh, two scores off the pace and 39 minutes to go. I do not like the way this is heading.]

Wales have the ball, but Priestland kicks it away, with no chasers. Ireland kick it into touch, but Wales win their own lineout.

Even Eddie Butler is getting exasperated by Phillips’s agonisingly slow service: “Phillips is taking his time again.” After a very quiet 10 phases, Wales are awarded a penalty. Can Priestland get his hitting-the-post hat-trick?! No, he slices the ball about 20 yards to the right of the goal. [Variety at least, I guess. Also, that’s eight points from missed kicks thus far. Will we lose by less than eight? Paddy Power in-game betting time people…]

Ireland win a very good drop 22, and then get away with forward pass. They advance to the halfway line, but Wales turn it over.

Barnes penalises McFadden for not rolling away. Halfpenny’s going to have a go, as Priestland doesn’t seem to have brought his kicking boots today. Matthews claims that Halfpenny’s “normally a long-range specialist,” which doesn’t sound right to me. Like, he can only kick long range? Eddie Butler points out that he takes all the kicks for Cardiff. And he makes this one.

Ireland 13 - 8 Wales

George North! smashes through a tackle (as is his wont to do) and then makes a lovely back-handed offload to Jonathan Davies, who goes over for the try. [That is some Sonny Bill style sleight of hand from GN! there, and a beautiful straight support line from JD2 as well. That one’s destined for the try-of-the-tournament short-list for sure.] Halfpenny makes the conversion, and all of a sudden, Wales are in the lead!

Ireland 13 - 15 Wales

James Hook is tackled to the ground and then George North! body slams him like Jimmy Superfly Stuka. With team-mates like these…

Ireland attack! Wales concede a penalty. Ireland play out their advantage. The penalty is on the right side of the pitch for Sexton.

Ireland 16 - 15 Wales

Twenty minutes left to play. I am strangely calm.

Priestland tries a high kick. Ireland return the favour. Faletau makes a good catch under pressure. Ireland turn it over, but then kick it straight into touch. Ireland sub off Donncha [sic] O’Callaghan for Donnacha [sic] (comin atcha) Ryan. [What’s the collective noun for Donnachas? A lobotomy?]

Not much is happening. Eddie Butler his given up commentating, and is now just sporadically shouting out names of Welsh players.

Andy Nicol makes a better effort of analysing a good bit of defence by George North! He can’t resist allocating him a number on the telestrator, though. “One George North! Ah! ah! ah! aaah!”

With 15 minutes left to play, Phillip Matthews is putting his money on Wales, even though they’re a point behind. [I suspect tactical underdogging for his boys from Matthews here.]

Lots of booing all of a sudden. Barnes keeps saying “Foul play against red number four,” as Donnacha Ryan writhes around on the floor in agony. The touch judge says B. Davies picked him up, rotated him and then dropped him (on his head). He [mystifyingly] recommends a yellow card. (Note that this was all completely off the ball). cf. Warburton’s tackle for which he received a red in the WC. [I suspect this card may dominate the post-match in the same way Sam’s did too.] If you ask me, Bradley should be sent off for not holding on to the ball correctly when he runs, if nothing else.

Butler points out that Wales are the worst Six Nations team at playing with 14 men. I presume this statistic doesn’t take into account their semi-final match in the WC where they played almost the entire match with only 14 men and damn near won it. [The best 14 man performance in the history of international rugby?]

Ireland prove Butler’s point though, as Kearney makes a great long pass to Bowe who scores in the corner. [A cracking move from Ireland, executed with something bordering on nonchalance I thought, and the fourth top quality try in this game.]

Eddie Butler: “Jonathan Sexton. You said boldness would win it, Phillip. He put himself into a deep position and led the orchestra.” I hope that’s a quotation from something, because if it’s not then what the hell is he talking about?² Sexton misses.

Ireland 21 - 15 Wales

Paul James comes on for Adam Jones. I have transitioned smoothly from calm to resigned.

Ten mins left. Ireland up by six. And then they’re awarded a penalty inside their own half. Sexton has a go at it to put some more minutes on the clock, if nothing else. [Bizarre decision this, as surely equal if not more time would be used (and pressure generated) if they kicked for the corner? It’s not as if we’ve laid a hand on their lineouts all day…]

Healy comes off for Court.

Paul O’Connell makes a great take of Wales’s drop-out 22, but then concedes a penalty. Priestland makes a loong kick to the far side of the pitch and the ball goes into touch via a TV camera. Wales win their lineout and attack.

They spin it out to the left wing and then George North! bundles his way through three Irish defenders for a try. Shoddy defending, epic George North! [Excellent adjustment of angle when he received the ball by GN! there, demonstrating some real footballing intelligence. And then demonstrating some brute force to blast through the swarm of Irishmen between him and the line.]

If Halfpenny can hit this conversion from the sideline, Wales will go up by a point. But he misses it. [10 missed points from kicks…]

Ireland 21 - 20 Wales

Bradley Davies comes back on, and Ireland make some substitutions. Three minutes on the clock. Okay, I’m not quite so calm any more.

Wales attack from deep. They’re not bothering trying to wrap up Irish defenders with lots of short ball in the forwards; just spinning it out wide. They advance into the Irish 10, and then Ireland are penalised for a dangerous tackle. Stephen Ferris is sent to the sin bin, and Halfpenny has a kick for the lead. Matthews doesn’t think the tackle was dangerous. [It was certainly more on the Warburton scale than the Davies scale.] Butler disagrees. [Stony silence from Matthews.] Halfpenny makes the kick!

Ireland 21 - 23 Wales

Wales gather the restart, and then time is up. Lots of booing. Irish crowd doesn’t agree with the penalty decision. Matthews is diplomatic, saying you can’t take the victory away from the Welsh.

Final Score: Ireland 21 - 23 Wales

Sonja: “Wales, Ireland: It’s never dull, is it? Not for one, single second. And you agree with me don’t you, Leigh Halfpenny?” Inane. [There must be a stronger word to apply here? Family show though…]

Leigh Halfpenny: great rugby player, not such a great interview. Take notes, Leigh.

Jonathan Davies thinks Wales played well, although he notes the lineout wasn’t great.

The studio team watches replays of the first Welsh try in the second half. They can’t find enough superlatives to describe George North!’s contribution. It was pretty immense. [Guscott describes it as “magical” and it’s hard to argue.]

They’re also fairly incensed that Bradley Davies didn’t get a red for his tackle. [Again, hard to argue.]

Apparently RTE awarded man of the match to Mike Phillips. No no no. Did they not see George North!? [He’s hard to miss (unless you’re Fergus McFadden—zing!)] He was a beast! No-one thinks the final yellow card should’ve been given, although Jonathan Davies thinks it should have been a penalty. I’m inclined to agree with Guscott, actually, that it was a fairly innocuous tackle, but I’ll take the win nonetheless.

[I am not inclined to enter the tip tackle debate after the last four months of painstaking mental rehabilitation following the World Cup. I cannae take it. Great game though, and Davies’s “red mist” aside, about as good an advert for Northern Hemisphere rugby as you could imagine.]

Conclusion: I think, in retrospect, my unexpected calmness when Wales were down in the second half was due to the fact that during the World Cup Wales managed to convince me that they actually are a good team. This is a very odd feeling for someone who grew up watching a series of terrible and/or underachieving Welsh teams in the late ’80s and ’90s. I think it might be… confidence? Although the Irish will surely be unhappy about some of the refereeing decisions towards the end of the match, the fact that Wales looked the better team for the entire game and managed to eke out a close win seems pertinent.

Having said that, it still won’t surprise me if Wales choke in several of their remaining five matches and end the tournament in fourth place. Old beliefs die hard.

As pointed out by friend-of-WYWG, Ed. ↩
I looked it up on Google. No hits. ↩

Pop quiz! Which button cancels editing the post?! The one...

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:00:00 +0000

Pop quiz! Which button cancels editing the post?! The one labelled “Cancel”? …Or the other one?

Hey, Sky, you’re aware that if it’s unmissable...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 20:33:05 +0000

Hey, Sky, you’re aware that if it’s unmissable there’s not much point you telling us not to miss it, right?

Big Daves Gusset

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:31:06 +0000

So I was a little sad the other day when I caught the train into Olde London Towne and discovered that the old shed that wore my favourite bit of graffiti¹ had been demolished.

This loss inspired me to do a quick google to see if anyone had been as affected by this mysterious piece of graffiti as I had, not really expecting to find any results.

But not only did the results turn out to be numerous², they also contained a wonderful bit of investigative journalism by In the Aquarium, wherein the Dave in question had been interviewed as to the origin of the slogan.

I love the internet.

Previously visible on the left as you travelled from London Bridge to Waterloo East. ↩
Including, but not limited to: three separate Facebook pages, many photos, including this arty one, and a dance remix. ↩

Mike Tompkins - P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) (A cappella) You...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:21:23 +0000

Mike Tompkins - P.Y.T (Pretty Young Thing) (A cappella)

You knows While You Were Gone loves a cappellas, so I was always going to post this great cover version of MJ’s P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing).

(hat-tip: @bobacks)

Marmite

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 20:31:05 +0000

The more I think about it, the more convinced I become that the long-running Marmite advertising campaign Love it or hate it is the best marketing concept EVER.

It’s been so successful that these days, whenever something polarising is discussed, people will describe it as being “like marmite”.

And the reason this is so bloody brilliant is that, actually, if I think about it, although a lot of people do hate Marmite, almost everyone that doesn’t hate it is indifferent about it. They have a jar knocking about somewhere, for sure¹, and maybe every now and again they’ll fancy putting some on a slice of toast.

I guess that doesn’t yield such a catchy slogan, though:

Marmite: Hate it, or kinda like it every now and again I guess?

Actually I think we can tighten that up a little:

Marmite: I can take it or leave it.

Marmite lasts literally forever. My parents recently polished off a jar they bought just after they got married. ↩

“Look at the awareness!” That’s a great...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 13:01:51 +0000

“Look at the awareness!”

That’s a great catch.

On Latin Words

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:18:00 +0000

Brent Simmons recently published a critique of the words used in the tab labels of Twitter’s new iPhone app. It’s a fine piece, but one part of it doesn’t ring true.

In a section titled “What we know about people and words”, Simmons writes, “English speakers respond best to non-Latinate words.” He then goes on to criticise Twitter’s use of the words connect and discover for being Latin in origin, as well as for sounding like they were selected by “a murder of marketing executives perched around a big table.”

But he is wrong that connect and discover are bad words per se¹. And it’s certainly not true that the words “mean almost nothing.” When describing the action of attaching a cable to a socket, connect would be a perfectly good word. And when discussing Bjarni Herjólfsson, I’m pretty sure you’re going to want to use the word “discover”. The problem is the context. In the Twitter app, the words aren’t good choices because they don’t describe what they’re labelling. Simmons does understand this, and—previously mentioned quotes notwithstanding—he does a great job of explaining it in his article. But then he throws in the stuff about Latin words somehow inherently turning off readers, and my head starts to hurt.

So where does Simmon’s stated dislike for Latin words come from? I asked him directly, but he didn’t respond, and I couldn’t find a source for the rule. My best guess is that he is misremembering George Orwell’s famous essay, Politics and the English Language. But Orwell doesn’t actually claim that all Latin words are bad. Instead, he protests against people who deliberately use long Latin words in an attempt to sound more impressive:

“Bad writers, and especially scientific, political, and sociological writers, are nearly always haunted by the notion that Latin or Greek words are grander than Saxon ones, and unnecessary words like expedite, ameliorate, predict, extraneous, deracinated, clandestine, subaqueous, and hundreds of others constantly gain ground from their Anglo-Saxon numbers.”

Indeed, later on in the essay Orwell writes: “Nor does it even imply in every case preferring the Saxon word to the Latin one”. No, Orwell merely wanted people to use clear, straightforward language.² I don’t think, for example, Orwell would have had any problem with the use of the word car³.

In fact, I don’t believe Simmons would have any problem with that, either. I was tempted to go through his entire article marking all the words that had a Latin origin, but it would have taken aaages and would have been belabouring the point. Instead, let’s just look at his suggestions for better words for Twitter’s UI. He himself notes that his preference for the name of the Me tab, Profile, is Latin, but he doesn’t mention that his suggestion of Mentions instead of Connect is also Latin in origin. And although Tweets and Timeline are both fairly new words, line comes from Latin, too. So if two-and-a-bit of the four words Simmons prefers for the interface are Latin in origin, can he really believe that Latin words should generally be avoided?⁴

As I said, it’s a good piece⁵, but strike out all the parts about Latin and it would be even better.

Do you see what I have done there? ↩
Whether or not Orwell’s advice is something one should attempt to follow is a whole other kettle full of delicious, wriggling, fishies. Orwell was certainly a superb writer, but his status as an analyst of language is somewhat less clear. Take, for example, his stance on the passive voice. In the very same essay that Orwell writes: “Never use the passive where you can use the active,” over 20% of the verb forms that he uses are passive in construction. That’s considerably higher than the highest rate (13%) found in various periodicals in three statistical studies. See also this further analysis of Orwell’s essay, from the good people of Language Log. ↩
Tip of the hat to James Harbeck for the tip-off, who also has sensible things to say about Latin words on his Sesquiotica blog. ↩
Not enough evidence for you? Okay, try this. Simmons writes: “When asking your significant other to pick up some milk on the way home, you don’t ask, ‘Will you attend the purveyors and retrieve a dairy beverage?’ You ask, ‘Will you stop at the store and pick up some milk?’”. But stop, store, ~~and milk~~ all come from Latin. Correction: reagank points out in the comments below that milk didn’t actually come into English via Latin, although it is related to a Latin word. However, as it turns out that neither purveyor nor dairy come from Latin, I think the point stands. ↩
Special bonus footnote. Sean Sperte has written an interesting rebuttal to the rest of Simmons’s post, which is worth a read. ↩

Goodjob, Google translate. Gold star.

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 20:30:05 +0100

Goodjob, Google translate. Gold star.

That just sounds unhygienic.

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:30:06 +0100

That just sounds unhygienic.

FUNK Manufacturing. I wish I worked here.

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 15:32:00 +0100

FUNK Manufacturing.

I wish I worked here.

You cannot deny: that is one hell of a DJ line-up.

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 17:49:57 +0100

You cannot deny: that is one hell of a DJ line-up.

How to Write Better Female Characters

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 17:49:51 +0100

How to Write Better Female Characters:

You know you’re doing something wrong when you have to ask people who make porn¹ how you could improve your portrayal of women.

Note that all of the interviewees say exactly the same thing. It’s not rocket science, people!

(via Jess Fink)

Admittedly, the porn in question probably isn’t the sort of porn you’re thinking of. But still. ↩

Ireland vs Wales

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 22:57:21 +0100

The group stages are over! And Wales made it through! Splendid. And as long as Wales are still in the tournament, WYWG will keep watching the matches and then, several days later, posting commentary about them, [ably assisted by friend-of-WYWG, Tom.]

Today’s commentary team: Simon Ward, Michael Owen, and Alan Quinlan. Ref: Craig Joubert. [I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I’ve been lucky enough to see Wales win two grand slams in the last six years, but this is I think the biggest Wales match of my life.]

Wales start the match by forcing a turnover. They kick an up-and-under, which Jamie Roberts wins from the Irish back line. Wales march up the pitch and Shane Williams scores in the corner! Priestland makes the difficult kick. That is a good start. If they can just keep scoring at that rate, Wales will win 186 - 0!

Ireland 0 - 7 Wales

After the restart, Priestland attempts to put up another high kick, but it’s charged down. Halfpenny cleans up the mess, though. Shane chips ahead, and then Wales go offside in a ruck and concede a penalty. Ireland kick for an attacking lineout.

Now it’s Ireland attacking. George North! is penalised for not rolling away in the tackle. Ireland elect for another attacking lineout. Ireland win it, but then knock on. Now Wales are penalised for joining maul incorrectly. I feel sick. Ireland again kick into the corner. [I can see the Irish logic here, its early in the game, it’s a hard kick, why not crank up the pressure and back themselves.]

Ireland win the lineout and attack the Welsh line again and again. Big tackle from Warburton on O’Gara. The Welsh defence drive them back 15 yards, and then a wayward pass goes to ground and the Welsh forwards dive on the ball for the turnover. [First rate D from Wales. Shaun Edwards will be “happy”. (Not sure he ever actually smiles…)]

Wales attack again, but this time the ball’s not coming out from the rucks as quickly. O’Driscoll intercepts.

Now it’s Ireland marching up the pitch. Wales give away a penalty. Again they kick into the corner. [Increasingly ballsy this tactic from BOD.] They win the lineout and then O’Brien peels off the maul, but he’s held up over the line. Irish scrum. [And special mention to lil Shane here, who inexplicably managed to hold up SOB over the line. Wily like a coyote from the old-stager…]

O’Gara drops the ball and Wales gather. Halfpenny looks to kick but Ireland are up quick and he runs instead. [You cannot fluster him—for he is unflusterable!] Then Priestland clears.

Ireland put up a high kick, but Halfpenny makes a superb mark under pressure. [See?]

O’Gara kicks for the corner, but the ball bounces just the wrong side of the corner flag, and Joubert calls the ball back for a scrum near the halfway line. Welsh scrum hits too early, and O’Gara successfully kicks into the corner.

Priestland’s high kick is much too short, and the ball bounces off some players and into O’Driscoll’s hands. He attacks and passes to Kearney. Wales turn it over, but then concede a penalty directly in front of the posts. This time O’Gara kicks it over.

Ireland 3 - 7 Wales

Wales are defending well, but they’re not creating turnovers; they could really do with a bit of possession.

Welsh penalty on the halfway line. Halfpenny steps up. Wow. That’s a long kick. [And made with room to spare.]

Ireland 3 - 10 Wales

What I was saying last week about Owen only ever talking about the Welsh is even more evident now Wales are playing a team I actually know vaguely. It’d be really irritating if I were Irish, I think. But I’m not!

With thirty minutes played, Alan Quinlan says something. I think thats the first time I’ve heard him.

Wales fumble the ball in a tackle, and Ireland attack again. O’Gara taps a little kick into the corner.

Now Alan Quinlan is talking more. Perhaps he was in the toilet for the start of the match? [Also there seems to have been a evenhandedness contest breaking out between Owen and Quinlan, each of them insisting on praising the opposition and underplaying the achievements of their own side. Both clearly want to be the underdog—but truth is that this is pretty even stevens out there, and is a mesmerising game of rugby.]

Wales fluff the lineout and Ward says something about the wind affecting the lineout throwers as well as the kickers. Funny how it’s not affecting the Irish lineout.

Wales lose another of their lineouts.

Wales awarded a free kick at a scrum. Mike Phillips takes it quickly. The Irish don’t retreat ten yards, but aren’t penalised for it.

Wales run though the phases. Charteris fails to release, and Ireland have a penalty.

Half time. God this is stressful.

Half time score: Ireland 3 - 10 Wales

Gareth Thomas on the sideline is bullish on Welsh prospects. [And look: I know he’s 5 million times better qualified to comment than me, but Alfie, ferchrissakes, don’t jinx it!] I’m concerned about the lack of possession they’ve had. Telling stat: Wales have made 85 tackles to Ireland’s 46. [Most of them splendid daisy-cutters that have scythed the Irish down at the ankles. Possession is a worry for sure, but Wales’s faithfulness to their gameplan, their bite and snap in defence has been a marvel. A bloody marvel.]

Second Half

Another great take of a high ball from Halfpenny. [He’s edging the battle with Kearney (who’s looked dangerous ball in hand)—and that typifies the match-ups all over—in the majority of positions (not all) the Welsh and Irish are pretty evenly matched (on form and reputation at least), but the Welsh boys are edging it thus far.]

Series of long kicks between the teams culminates in an Irish lineout.

Ireland attack. Wales give away a penalty, but Ireland play the advantage. A pass goes to ground, but Bowe picks it up and ships it to Earls, who runs for the line. He dives from about 5 yards away and slides in. [Well taken, but essentially it was the filthy bounce pass that created that try. Jammy gets.] Joubert asks the video ref and after some consideration of whether Earls’s foot is in touch before he grounds the ball, the try is awarded. O’Gara makes the kick. [A beauty, and as goes ROG, so goes Ireland. Has he put his indifferent first 40 behind him to turn the screw on Wales as so often in the past? 10-10. Game on. Dark fug of pessimism descends.]

Ireland 10 - 10 Wales

I thought I felt sick before. Wales attack, and run through some quick phases, but Bradley Davies is turned over and Ireland kick for safety.

Bennett makes a beautiful dive pass from the base of a ruck. Nice! Wales concede another penalty, and again Ireland kick for a lineout. [Who is this new Huw Bennett? And where is he hiding the old one?]

Wales pinch a lineout(!) and spin it out wide. [One thing usually guaranteed against the Irish is that their line-out is pretty much impervious. Getting some against really gives me some hope for this game…]

The ball comes back across the pitch, and then Phillips spots a gap in the defence and scores a superb, diving try in the corner. And I was about to criticise him for his slow service. [And I have been on his case all season. A fantastic piece of cunning and intelligence from Mikey P. Yes, intelligence!] Priestland can’t make the kick this time. [Ugh, five point gap—just like against SA. Nausea crescendo approaches…]

Ireland 10 - 15 Wales

Fantastic long kick from Priestland. Ireland again make a mistake at the lineout [like, OMG] and Wales have another attacking chance. Davies drops it.

Another pass to no-one from the Irish back line. [What a difference in response to the Ireland try. Wales just put it behind them and came back firing—and it’s Irish heads that might—just might—have dropped here.]

Murray and O’Gara come off, replaced by Reddan and Sexton. Michael Owen is getting way too confident for my liking. Shut up shut up shut up! Ireland are penalised for collapsing the scrum. Priestland’s kick hits the post. [Almost certainly directly due to Michael Owen’s premature utterances…]

Another good take of a high ball, this time by Shane Williams. [Not to get all Michael Owen here, but dammit if the bloody BELIEF in these boys isn’t almost palpable. They are doing so much so well.]

Owen utters the words: “Shane Williams, so strong.” Then Ward refers to him as, “the mighty mouse.” [Is that better or worse than the “little magician” or “welsh wizard” that he usually gets? Hard to say…]

Earls makes a mistake attempting to offload from the tackle, and Wales have a scrum well inside the Irish half. Welsh scrum looking strong. [My dad told me that the Welsh front row would establish their superiority in due course and to rest easy in my concerns about the form of Healy and Ross. He was dead right.]

Wales attack, Davies elects to run instead of shipping it out to Halfpenny. I’m about to curse at him [I have already wailed “bloody swiiiing it” at the telly,] and then he strolls through four Irish defenders and scores an easy try. [Bizarre; JD2 seemed to just coast through in 2nd gear whilst the cover defence basically just gawped at each other. Talk about playing what’s in front of you—class!] Priestland converts.

Ireland 10 - 22 Wales

George North! is not finding it quite as easy to run through the Irish as he did the Namibians and Fijians. He’s shepherded into touch.

Ireland again attacking the try-line. My previous nausea was nothing. Now I feel sick. Reddan makes a nifty pass to O’Brien, but then O’Driscoll concedes a scrum. Ireland are immediately penalised. Wales steal another lineout. [Michael Owen and Alfie may not have jinxed the whole thing—all the big moments are going Wales’s way here. Amazing.]

Ten minutes left. [Twelve point gap. Surely, surely that’s enough.]

Trimble comes on for Earls.

After Priestland puts up a high kick, Ward says that Halfpenny “really is a calming influence at 10 for Wales.” Even though he’s playing at 15.

Welsh penalty, and Priestland again hits the post. [The other one this time—overcompensating see?] Ireland put through a long kick, and Faletau does [very] well to clean it up. [Typically calm and composed bit of play from Toby there; he’s not been the most prominent of the back row today, but has acquitted himself very, very well. Much like Halfpenny, it seems nigh on impossible to faze him. He is 20 years old.]

Ireland bring on the rest of their subs. With five minutes left, Ireland have an attacking lineout.

I haven’t mentioned him today, but Warburton has been awesome at the breakdown (as usual) today. [Lydiate too, despite about 5kgs of strapping on his dodgy ankles.] Welsh penalty. With three minutes left, Priestland is subbed off for Hook. The commentary team are now satisfied that Wales have won the game. My stomach isn’t quite so sure. Wales grind out a couple of phases, and then Hook puts up a big high kick. Then Ireland concede a penalty, and the clock runs out as they take the lineout. And that’s it! [Huw Bennett gets all scrum-halfy again and belts the ball into touch and…] Wales are in the semi finals of the World Cup!

Final Score: Ireland 10 - 22 Wales

[Mother of god! We did it!]

That was a seriously good performance from Wales. They hardly made any errors, and they capitalised on the Irish errors. [Well described in Blood and Mud’s match review as “all-consuming competence.”] Their try-line defence was superb (as it has been all World Cup) and they looked good in attack. Best full-match performance I’ve seen from Wales in years, possibly ever.

Conclusion: Come OOOOONNNNNN!

[Apologies: Sorry, not many “jokes” or even “wry observations” this week—but this is a World Cup Quarter Final—and now a Semi Final. This is serious business. Men’s business. And Wales are the men.]

[Kudos: Both Alan Quinlan in the commentators’ pitch-side post mortem, putting up with a high-fiving Alfie, and Brian O’Driscoll doing the dutiful for NZ TV before the sponsors’ board (and looking about as crestfallen as is possible to imagine), conducted themselves with serious class in the aftermath of the game. That can’t have been easy, especially for the latter. Hope to see him on the Lions tour 2013.]

[Conclusion: France, with their tails up. Oh bugger. Knot of nausea returns to stomach…]

Wales vs Fiji

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 19:14:00 +0100

This is the fourth instalment in WYWG’s series of liveblogs of the Welsh campaign at the 2011 Rugby World Cup. WYWG is aware of the irony involved in calling something posted over a week after the match a “live” blog. As always, these words are written by WYWG, [and these words are written by WYWG-collaborator, Tom.]

The strangely muffled ITV announcer is talking as though this game is a mere formality. If I hadn’t already inadvertently seen the result that would worry me immensely.

Fiji’s national anthem is a pretty good tune! Not as good as Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau, of course. The Fijian war dance—the Cibi—isn’t very long.

Your friend and mine, Wayne Barnes, is reffing. Commentating are Simon Ward and Michael Owen. [Unless, that is, you have taken matters into your own hands and are listening to Talksport (John Taylor and Brian Moore) on the laptop via headphones, whilst watching on the (muted) telly. In the dark, at 6am, in your dressing gown. Like a boss. But also watch the ITV highlights later on to catch a flavour of the commentary for these here blogging purposes, of course.]

Wales start the game by giving away a penalty. Fiji win a lineout, but then make a bad handling error in the backs, and then throw the ball back to the Welsh. They win another lineout, but again a handling error gives Wales the ball. Wales’s attack comes to nothing, though.

Wales win a lineout and Warburton streaks [not naked] down the pitch, but he loses the ball forwards in the tackle.

Wales attacking lineout. They win it, and attack in the middle of the pitch and then on the left. A penalty takes the pressure off momentarily, but then Jamie Roberts strolls unimpeded through the Fijian line and scores under the posts. Priestland has no problems making the easy kick.

Wales 7 - 0 Fiji

Ward points out that Fiji need to beat Wales by 85 points (and score four tries) to progress to the quarter finals, and then says that’s unlikely to occur. Don’t tempt fate, Simon!

Fiji attack, but the left winger’s kick is too hard and crosses the dead ball line.

Priestland fails to make touch [A once a game habit at the moment—doesn’t he know Lee Byrne’s got that skill set covered?] from a penalty kick and Fiji attack.

North tackles Vulivuli and then Gethin “Twinkletoes” Jenkins annihilates someone in midfield. That was a big hit. Fiji keep the ball though, and a few phases later Wales concede a penalty. Nicky Little, playing in his 67th cap for Fiji, narrowly misses the kick. [A little deflating for Fiji that miss, as they are well in this match so far.]

Fifteen minutes in, Fiji have had over 70% of the territory and almost 70% of the possession. Wales don’t seem to have really got started yet.

Ward claims that Jamie Roberts is “6′3″, 6′4″, 6′5″.” Welsh scrum DOMINATES Fiji and wins a penalty. They fluff the lineout though. [Seems that unless Bennett hits his first lineout, he can quite quickly go to pot. Again, why play Charteris if you’re not gonna throw the first four lineouts to him?]

Nice try! Good interplay between the backs, making a series of passes within 5m of the touchline [George North! Soft hands for a big lad!] and then Scott “Don’t call me Shane” Williams beats the final defender comprehensively. Priestland converts.

Wales 14 - 0 Fiji

Ward, discussing the fact that half the Welsh team were still in school during the last world cup in which Fiji beat Wales, effectively knocking them out of the tournament: “There are no psychological scars for those guys because they know no fear!” That doesn’t make any sense, Simon. [Especially seeing as getting knocked out by Fiji in the parallel fixture 4 years ago was fairly effective at mentally scarring the entire nation…]

Wales attack, Fiji go offside, and Priestland nudges his kicking record for the match to 3 from 3.

Wales 17 - 0 Fiji

You cannot tackle George North! with just one man. He is just too epic.

Michael Owen is an entirely competent colour commentator. He’s not particularly entertaining with those long, long sentences of his, and he doesn’t offer any particularly sparkling insight, but he at least he speaks sense. [Over on Talksport Taylor and Moore are doing a fine job—although the approx 7 second delay is somewhat jarring. But given we’re clearly going to win, it’s no biggie. Might be too much to cope with for the QF, though.] Like WYWG, though, he appears not to know anything about any of the teams other than Wales in the tournament. [Speak for yourself, viz my impressive command of the Samoan names a couple of weeks back, etc.] He certainly never mentions any of the opposing team in his monologues.

Fiji attack from a scrum, but Halfpenny dumps the Fijian 7 on his ass, and Wales turn it over.

Bradley Davies is injured, and there’s a long break in play while the doctors check him out. He’s okay, though.

Another dominant Welsh scrum, they attack, and after a hilarious dummy from Bennett and a couple of blatantly forward passes, North goes over for a try, which Priestland converts. [You’d think Wayne would be a bit sensitive on the old forward passes whilst reffing in NZ, given his previous…]

Wales 24 - 0 Fiji

Barnes doesn’t seem to be policing the forward pass rule at all today, as Wales get away with a couple more fairly egregious examples. Ward makes an inane joke about them “playing American Football.”

Bennett limps off (twisted his ankle throwing the dummy), and Burns comes on. [Compulsory mention of his recent acquaintance with the world of bricklaying—check!]

Wales fluff another lineout slightly, but North gathers the tap-back and screams through the Fijian defence. Warburton’s in support, and Wales score again. Both the previous tries, Ward has stated that the scoring player “pins his ears back.”

Priestland continues his 100% kicking record, and Wales go into half time with a commanding lead.

Half time score: Wales 31 - 0 Fiji

Second Half

Byrne gets smashed by Lovobalavu. [This is shown repeatedly on the old super slo-mo—Mr Cash-for-Gold looks strangely serene as he is ploughed into the turf by the rampaging Gaby Lovobalavu. Yes, “Gaby”—like Logan.] Talei steals the ball from the back of a ruck and tears down the pitch. He boots ahead, but the Welsh defence have no problems gathering it.

Fiji attack down the blind side. The Fijian kicks ahead, and Byrne shoulder charges him to the ground, late. Looked pretty illegal to me (as it did when he did the exact same thing in the first half), but Barnes doesn’t think so.

Byrne fumbles a high ball, and now Fiji have numbers outside! Wales defend well, and win a turnover, but then knock it on.

Barnes awards Fiji a free kick at the scrum (Wales pushing too early). Fiji take it quickly and attack. Wales turn it over at a ruck. Priestland clears it, Fiji take a quick throw in, but lose the ball immediately.

All of a sudden, North slices through the Fijian defence. A nice sidestep and he beats the fullback. Then a couple of passes later (one of which, again, looked forward to me), Jamie Roberts scores, and Simon Ward says, “The doctor will see you now!” He’s clearly been saving that one up. [On Talksport, Brian Moore makes direct reference to those listeners watching the telly turned down “because our commentary is better”—calls ‘em like he sees ‘em. (And he’s not wrong either).]

Wales 38 - 0 Fiji

Nasty head clash between Halfpenny and a Fijian. [Bizarre on the replay, as it seems that somehow a seam or knot on Leigh’s scrum-cap has just opened up Lovobalavu’s face. The contact was glancing, but the claret spilled is substantial. Leigh is not normally an opener of wounds TBF.] The latter comes off, and so do Phillips and Faletau. This means that Andy Powell is now on the pitch. [Praise be.]

Fatiaki breaks the Welsh line but knocks on in the tackle. Lots of handling errors from Fiji today.

Priestland puts a probing kick through the Fijian defence, and Buatava is forced to take the ball into touch just outside his own try-line. Priestland is subbed off, as is Ryan Jones.

Wales win the lineout, and a mass of Welsh players go over the line, with Burns (and the ball) at the bottom of it. [That is the best try he’s scored since back when he was a brickie…] Jones continues as Priestland left off.

Wales 45 - 0 Fiji

Fijian lineout doesn’t look straight, but it might just be the stupid camera angle ITV are showing it from.

Fiji win a penalty at a scrum about ten yards out from the Welsh line. They tap and go. Wales defend doggedly. Turnover! Wales kick to take the pressure off. Roberts comes off.

Gethin Jenkins attempts to kick the ball with his right foot, misses, and tries to kick it with his left instead. Then he’s brought down, and, whilst he’s on his hands and knees, the Fijian that picks the ball up falls over him. He’s a comedy genius as well as the best rugby player in the world! [Him and the Fijian do in fact have a little laugh about how rubbish that was as they regain their feet…]

Wales are defending so well now that Fiji are losing about ten yards with every phase. Gethin Jenkins finds himself with the ball on the Welsh 22 and redeems his earlier slapstick with a successful kick for territory. [A sixty yard HOWITZER!] Halfpenny gets to it first and runs in the try.

Wales 52 - 0 Fiji

It is now completely pissing it down with rain.

Wales roll a maul to within a few yards of the Fijian line. Fiji go offside. Wales elect to take a scrum. It wheels, and Wales are awarded another penalty, and take another scrum. This one starts to wheel, too, the ball pops out, and Lloyd Williams scoops it up, and dashes for the line and a try. Jones, undeterred by the monsoon, converts. [Impervious to the elements, because he is half-vampire.]

Wales 59 - 0 Fiji

Gethin Jenkins comes off. Warburton comes off too, which means Wales will voluntarily play the last five minutes with only 14 men as they’re now out of subs. [Is this practice for getting someone carded against Ireland?]

Fiji attempt to capitalise, and attack for several phases. The Welsh defence holds, though, and eventually Fiji knock it on.

With time already up, Wales turn the ball over. Having already seen the score, I know how this is going to turn out. Jonathan Davies breaks the Fijian line and scores the try, “the icing on a very tasty cake.” Welsh kickers will be 100% for the match, as Jones slots it over.

Final Score: Wales 66 - 0 Fiji

Conclusion: Wales make it through to the quarter finals! Where they will face Ireland. Exciting!

[Conclusion: Exciting? My stomach is already in a knot with the FEAR at the thought of the Irish game. I may have to watch somewhere outside the house (ooh, like a pub!), as silence cannot be guaranteed for this one. Will it still be okay to watch in my PJs and dressing gown though?]

[Also, to paraphrase Phil Vickery, COME ON WALES! Insightful, aren’t I…]

Wales vs Namibia

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:31:49 +0100

Due to circumstances outside our control, our increasingly inaccurately named “liveblog” series on the Welsh campaign at the Rugby World Cup is now running over a game behind schedule. IT IS STILL, AWESOME, THOUGH. As always, these words are mine, and [these words are Tom’s].

Wales seem to be playing Shane Williams at inside centre. That’s… interesting. Oh, it’s some other S. Williams. Never mind then. [No two ways about it, Wales are expected to Haskell-DOMINATE Namibia today. Even with the B team. So, points, performance, poise, and no injuries—no pressure boys!]

Commentating are Martin Gillingham and a Welshman! (Michael Owen, no, not that one.) Ref is Steve Walsh, “formerly of New Zealand, now of Australia.”

From the kick-off, Wales are awarded a scrum. The Namibian facing The Best Rugby Player in the World™, Gethin Jenkins, collapses the scrum immediately, and Jones pops over the ensuing penalty:

Wales 3 - 0 Namibia

Good ’tache Namibia No 5. [With a ginger handlebar like that, you may well make it into the Hair XV my good man. Sterling effort.]

Tavis Knoyle appears to be able to pass without first running sideways five feet. His pass isn’t very quick though. Seems to have an actual wind-up.

Good simple Welsh move releases Leigh Halfpenny and then not-Shane tears down the line for a try in the corner. Jones’s conversion attempt hits the post.

Wales 8 - 0 Namibia

Warburton to the Namibian No. 7’s face, “Don’t argue!” It knocks him so far backwards he has to pretend that he was deliberately running out to join the backs’ defensive line.

After Wales give away a couple of penalties, Namibia have a lineout just outside the Welsh 22. Wales steal it, spin it out, and then not-Shane kicks the ball straight into touch from outside the 22. As the players line up for the set piece, Gillingham says, “Not often that Luke Charteris can look across the lineout and look a man straight in the eye.” He can’t do it today, for example, because he’s on the bench.

Namibia manage to lose about 50 yards through a string of handling errors.

Gillingham says, “Leigh Halfpenny finding himself on the opposite wing, so to speak.” Not sure what he means by the “so to speak”, as 1/2p was indeed on his opposite wing.

Brew goes over for a try. Jones converts.

Wales 15 - 0 Namibia

Ryan Jones charges down a kick, and after a chase, Wales are awarded a penalty about 5 metres out. Ryan Jones takes it quickly, and Faletau scores. [Not-Ryan] Jones converts.

Wales 22 - 0 Namibia

[We’re about a point a minute thus far. Haskell-y.]

Several Namibians are wearing yellow boots. They are really ugly. We get to listen to Steve Walsh telling off the front rows; regardless of his current nationality, he sounds pretty Kiwi to me.

Gillingham on Namibia: “They’ve got a real mountain to climb.” Then he gets gets a bit unsure whether or not the mountain is actually real, and adds, “Metaphorically, I would say.”

If Namibia could just stop dropping the ball, they’d look alright in attack. This time round they’re awarded a penalty 40-odd yards out. Then ITV Player decides I should start watching the game again from the start. Luckily I just happened to glance at the game clock a few moments ago, so after watching all the adverts for a second time I’m able to fairly quickly get back to roughly the same point in the footage. Then it does it again. I become fairly irritated at this point.

When I eventually get to stop watching adverts, Kotze misses the kick. Michael Owen has a strange and impressive ability to talk for an exceedingly long time without finishing a sentence. He’d be good on Just a Minute.

Wales seem to have gone off the boil a bit. They keep giving away penalties, scrums, the ball, etc. It’s been all Namibia for the past 5 mins (game time) or 20 mins (real time for me, thanks to all ITV Player’s bloody restarts.)

Owen on Faletau: “He’s grown and grown with every game and become a big player for Wales.” Nice turn of phrase; I like the pair of linked metaphors. Or does he mean literally? Was Faletau only 5ft 4in before the World Cup started? [I think he’s been sizeable for a while now. As Scott Quinnell would say “He’s a big boy, I could play on the see-saw with him.”]

As Jonathan Davies passes the ball way too far forwards and Ryan Jones bats it away with one hand, Gillingham exclaims joyfully: “Ooooh terrific hands!” Walsh calls it back for an earlier high tackle, and Jones kicks for touch and an attacking lineout. Wales win it, (almost by mistake; Burns completely missed his jumper,) but then give away a penalty for not releasing after a tackle.

Now ITV Player is doing a thing where the on-screen controls appear at the bottom of the display, obscuring some of the action, freeze, and refuse to go away.

Wales give away some more penalties.

With just under ten minutes left in the half, Wales come back to life and put together a series of phases. Eventually, Namibia come off-side and Walsh penalises them. Wales elect to take a scrum. Then they’re awarded a free kick, take another scrum, and are penalised themselves. [Walsh chooses this moment to deliver a lecture to the two captains about the consistently collapsing scrums. He uses these actual words: “I need someone to take ownership of what’s going on.” Take ownership? This is an unforgivable encroachment of management speak onto the rugby field and Walsh should be ashamed.]

Byrne makes a fine catch from a high ball under pressure, but then gets smashed in a tackle, and fails to release the ball. Kotze’s kick hits the post! Unlucky. Wales attack from deep. Brew gets hit so hard that both he and the tackler ping about a foot off the ground.

Wales advance as far as the half way line, but then a kick ahead gets away from Brew and bounces into touch to end the half.

Half time score: Wales 22 - 0 Namibia

[That points/time ratio has suffered over the last 20. Like me, it seems that Wales have gone to sleep a bit in the last few minutes, and, unlike me, they don’t have the excuse that it’s a 6am kick-off where they are. (WYWG: Wait, what? This game started at the civilised time of 7:30am in the UK. Where were you watching it? Somewhere off the west coast of Africa?) ]

Stats! Wales have have 58% of possession but only 32% of territory. 100% of the points though!

Second Half

The Namibian 15, Botha, starts the second half with a great kick for touch.

Wales win another cocked up lineout. They attack, but are pulled up for crossing.

Wales win a lineout that ITV didn’t show, (borrowing directors from the Beeb, perhaps?) and then attack. Great run from Jonathan Davies. They make it almost as far as the Namibian try line, but then Brew loses the ball in the tackle and Namibia turn it over.

Namibia win a defensive scrum, but the ball comes out earlier than their scrum half expects and Knoyle scoops it up. Wales attack for a couple of phases, and then three Namibians fail to tackle not-Shane, and he goes over for his second try of the match. S. Jones hits the conversion.

Wales 29 - 0 Namibia

WHAT THE HELL IS ANDY POWELL DOING ON THE PITCH? [One of life’s imponderables…]

Wales (Powell, in fact), take a quick throw-in, Jonathan Davies gives the ball to The Best Rugby Player in the World™, and Jenkins scores a scintillating solo try, as described by friend-of-WYWG-Rhys thus: “The fend, the dummy, the gas, the dragging of the two final defenders over the line. Awesome.” [Gethin upgraded to “Greatest Man Alive” instantaneously.]

Wales 36 - 0 Namibia

Wales looking a lot better this half. But then all of a sudden Esterhuyse intercepts the ball, offloads to Koll, who beats Burns to the try line and scores in the corner! Namibia are right back in this thing! While we watch the reply, Owen cynically points out that there may have been a [teensy] spot of [flagrant] crossing involved in the build up to that one. No one cares, though. [Perhaps not even Wales…]

Wales 36 - 7 Namibia

Nothing happens for a while. With 20 mins left, Larson is sin binned for… I’m not sure, actually. Scrummaging poorly? Think I nodded off for a minute there. [I think he was binned for being called Raoul, which is a very un-Namibian name, and for looking like an extra off the Munsters.]

Someone tackles Gethin Jenkins hard. That would never happen if he were fully fit. Jenkins stays down for a while, but after a spot of treatment he pops back up, [because he is INDOMITABLE!]

George North! (on for Brew) slides through the Namibian defence, and scores a try.

Wales 43 - 7 Namibia

Immediately after the restart, North breaks the line. His pass looks like it’s going to ground, but Alun Wyn Jones plucks it off his toes. Jonathan Davies is there is support, and runs in the try.

Wales 50 - 7 Namibia

Wales looking dominant now. ITV flash up a “tackles made” stat: Wales 28 - 116 Namibia. [That sounds very tiring…]

Jonathan Davies offloads the ball backhanded. Byrne cuts inside, beats several defenders [as he zig-zags in what seems to be a pretty random/aimless fashion,] and then slings the ball up into the air as he’s tackled. George North! charges on-screen to receive the pass and the Namibians can’t bring him down. [George North!, putting the “impact” into impact sub. Lovely try.]

Wales 57 - 7 Namibia

Immediately after the kick-off George North! again breaks the line. Then he does a little hop step, and then, as the Namibians can’t tackle him, he decides to show them mercy and just lies down for no reason. [Team Namib really need to kick it to someone else from re-starts. Whilst he may not (yet) be the North Walian messiah that some proclaim him to be, George North! is pretty damn effective against a tiring team who are already 40/50 odd points down…]

Wales attack again, and after a number of good attacking phases, not-Shane Williams goes over the line for his hat-trick. [Unnecessary brandishing of three fingers as he slides over. Whilst it’s not quite the “Ash-Splash” in terms of heinous over-celebrating, nevertheless I’m sure the decorously undemonstrative T. Faletau would not approve.]

Wales 64 - 7 Namibia

Du Plessis is awarded man-of-the-match. He’s made 20 tackles. That’s quite a few tackles. [Cut to to Du Plessis on the bench looking really genuinely chuffed. Obvs, Gethin is the real MOTM (for which read MOT-Century/Millenium/etc).]

The Welsh scrum suddenly comes together and they drive the Namibians back in two successive scrums. Powell picks up, and uncharacteristically passes it [effectively] to Lloyd Williams, who scores.

Wales 69 - 7 Namibia

…

Wales 74 - 7 Namibia

Namibia kick the restart straight into touch. Welsh scrum on the halfway line with a minute to play.

Wales attack as time runs out. Namibia defend desperately, but they’re just not good enough. AWJ pulls off a nice spin move and downs the ball. Priestland makes the conversion after having missed the last few.

Final Score: Wales 81 - 7 Namibia

[So, just about returned to a point-a-minute by the end. A well deserved happy finish for the Welsh, so to speak.]

Conclusion: I don’t have much to say about that. Wales looked really good for the first quarter and second half, and they scored lots of tries. But in this match, anything less would have been a disappointment. Namibia may be spirited, but sadly they’re just not very good. Tom?

[Uno: I am mildly perturbed that the serious scoring didn’t start until Spooky Raoul got sinbinned. We really shouldn’t need a man advantage to put away Namibia. On to Fiji—we never have any trouble with them right?]

[Due: Aforementioned ’tache plus Jacques Burger’s shaggy perm—solid contributions on the tonsorial front from Namibia. Marvellous.]

[Tre: GETHIN!!!]

Whilst we’re on the subject of dance, Ze Franks’s Star.me site has a “Mission of...

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 11:53:00 +0100

Whilst we’re on the subject of dance, Ze Franks’s Star.me site has a “Mission of the day”. Today’s challenge is to “Paste a link to the best dancing you’ve seen on YouTube!”

By far the most frequently posted clip is the Evolution of Dance routine by comedian Judson Laipply. As someone who spends way more time than is healthy watching dance on YouTube, I find that tremendously depressing. Really? There’s people that think that’s the best dancing on YouTube?

It’s better than Gene Kelly tap dancing on roller skates? Better than Machine and Ata’s exhibition at Over the Top 2? Better than the finalists at the World Tango Championships? Better than Carlos Acosta and Tamara Rojo dancing in Swan Lake? Better than this routine by former mixed martial artist Genki Sudo? Better than this showcase by Monster Woo? Better than the Twinz Criminalz?

Yes, Evolution of Dance is an interesting routine, but, to be honest, you are out of your freaking mind if you even try to argue that it’s better dancing than Turk busting out some new jack swing in Scrubs. Ugh.

Every couple of years or so, a hip-hop dance video suddenly...

Fri, 30 Sep 2011 11:05:00 +0100

Every couple of years or so, a hip-hop dance video suddenly explodes out of the hip-hop community and into the general public’s conciousness, and people who normally have no interest in dance start forwarding me links to it.

In the early 2000s it was this video of Elsewhere killing the show at Kollaboration 2001. A couple of years later it was this highlight reel of Junior’s performance at Red Bull BC One.

This week, it’s been the above video of Marquese Scott popping to Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People. Amazing.

(via pretty much the whole internet)

Wales vs Samoa

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:30:47 +0100

Having had a little time to think about it, I’m now a little more bullish about the Welsh performance against South Africa. At times, it really was like watching a completely different team from recent Six Nations tournaments. The level of competence and, dare I say it, professionalism was a cut above. Let’s just hope that they can carry it over into today’s game against their World Cup bête noire, Samoa. [An opening point of irrelevance: of the two Samoan wingers today, one has a brother who plays for Fiji and one has a brother who plays for England. It’s a crazy mixed-up world out there kids. The old joke comes to mind—good job we’re not playing the whole of Samoa… Wales, for their part, have a No. 8 whose Dad played for Tonga, and even someone from North Wales. Diversity!]

ITV Player told me that the commentators are Martin Gillingham and Andy Gomarsall. An on-screen graphic says it’s Bob Symonds and Andy Moore, though. I have no idea what any of those people sound like, and so I couldn’t tell you which it actually is. (As it turns out, it’s irrelevant. None of the four say anything particularly insightful or hilariously stupid, and I won’t mention them again in this liveblog.) Reffing is Alain Rolland.

The game starts with Samoa kicking the ball directly into touch from the kick-off, and then collapsing the subsequent scrum. James Hook steps up to take the kick from the centre of the pitch, but he “hooks” it. [I think it was bleeding obvious he wasn’t going to get that (Hook’s strength is not length) and Wales should have kicked to the corner. However, I am prevented from bellowing that opinion at the telly in my usual fashion due to the following conditions: 1. it is 4:30am, 2. the whole family is asleep, 3. the neighbours are asleep. Picture the scene: I am hunched in front of the computer in the dark, muttering almost inaudibly through gritted teeth, wearing a dressing gown and listening on headphones. Naturally, I am cutting quite the dash and do not look like a crazy person at all…]

Huw Bennett fails to release the ball after a tackle, and concedes a penalty. Samoa elect to kick for a lineout about fifteen yards out from the Welsh try-line. Samoa win their lineout and look like they’re going to score in the corner, but knock it on. Other than Tuilagi, I don’t know any of the Samoan players, and I even if I knew their names I wouldn’t be able to spell them. I shall refer to them all as “a Samoan”. [Thus missing the great pleasure of spelling out some fantastic syllable groupings such as Sailosi Tagicakibau (perhaps my favourite name to say out loud since Rupeni Caucaunibuca), Maurie Faasavalu and Mahonri Schwalger. SCHWALGER!]

Welsh defensive scrum ten yards out. Samoa win it against the head, and a Samoan (Stowers?) [Yes!] peels off the scrum and makes for the line, but is tackled just outside. Wales turn it over, and kick it back into the Samoan half.

Wales fluff their first line-out. Start as you mean to go on, boys! [Having established effective 2-ball to a 6ft 9in beanpole front-jumper against SA, Wales seem to have decided that this game (against a team we famously have problems with) is the time to start mixing it up and throwing it to the tail etc. FFS! Throw it to 2!]

Audaciously, Wales attempt to run from their own try-line when the Samoan defensive line is fully set. [This seems like entirely unnecessary fate-tempting. Wales want to test my vow of silence.] Samoa give away a penalty though.

Andy Powell is subbed on for Lydiate. That is bad news. [Let’s dwell on that for a moment. Dan Lydiate (or “Danny” as per today’s on-screen team list) is a sensible young man with a sensible haircut. On the field, Dan Lydiate quietly and unobtrusively gets on with the unseen hard work, and is really very effective at his job. Wales are a much better, more balanced, and more competitive team when he plays. Dan Lydiate has a long and glorious international career ahead of him. Simply none of those things apply to Andy Powell. He is somehow the anti-Lydiate. There is no-one more not-Lydiate than Andy Powell. He does not have a sensible haircut. He looks like a peroxide cartoon goat on steroids. He is indubitably what Nick Farr-Jones would call a “boofhead”. This match just got harder to win.]

George North!¹ nearly decapitates the first Samoan that attempts to tackle him. Big lad.

Welsh penalty in front of the posts, and Hook hits this one.

Wales 3 - 0 Samoa

Roberts hands off a Samoan with his elbow. Don’t argue. [And not just any Samoan—but their World Cup captain, former Aviva Premiership player of the year, and all round hard nut and superstar Seilala Mapasua. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him “lose the collision” in such emphatic fashion.]

Broken attack. S. Williams beats four or five defenders before being hauled down. Wales spin it out wide, but Charteris passes it forwards to Roberts. Roberts catches it with one outstretched hand, but Rolland whistles for the infraction. That would have been a try, otherwise. [Better from Wales, who have definitely been second-best so far in this game. However, the good doctor looks to be approaching his titanic form of 2009. Tremble all those who stand before him!]

Wales win their second lineout, but then neglect to protect the ball in the ruck, and a Samoan pinches it.

Alun Wyn Jones gives a nice backhanded offload to Faletau [Who does he think he is, Sonny Bill Williams?], but Faletau knocks it on in the tackle, [possibly due to the unexpected shock of AWJ’s dexterity,] and Samoa have a scrum. They win it, run a couple of phases, and then kick. Wales attack. The Samoan line is up fast, and then Wales concede a penalty. Tuilagi takes it quickly, Wales don’t retreat ten, and Rolland awards them another ten yards. A Samoan (Paul Williams) [Boring name, boring haircut.] makes the long kick.

Wales 3 - 3 Samoa

Phillips makes a mini break, with Adam Jones in support. Wales continue the attack. They look a little flustered by the speed of the Samoan defence, and they’re not dealing well with the Samoan counter-rucking. Priestland attempts a drop goal, but misses. He’s now 0 from 3 for the tournament.

Samoa win a scrum, but a Samoan (Lavea) fumbles the ball, giving Wales a scrum well inside the Samoan half. [Lavea’s fumble was fully schoolboy. But whatever errors he commits, no-one can mess with his hair-do, which not only is a faithful recreation of late 80’s Mr Soul-Glo jheri curl (file under E, Eazy), but also appears to have one blond highlighted curl right at the back. Nice touch. Samoa are definitely winning the haircut wars in this game, although perhaps the one thing that Powell brings to the team is a blond feathercut back-up for Adam Jones’s incomparable “roadie for Metallica” look. (Though I think AJ would have need to rock the cornrows again to really trouble Samoa in the style stakes.)]

The Welsh forwards drive the scrum forwards several metres before the Samoan scrum disintegrates completely. Hook kicks the straightforward penalty.

Wales 6 - 3 Samoa

Andy Bloody Powell knocks on the restart; Alain Rolland lets Samoa play out the advantage. The Samoans work their way through the phases to the Welsh 5 metre line. Two Samoans knock Andy Powell a clear five metres out of the back of a ruck. Ouch. The Samoans make it over the line and ground the ball, but it’s a double movement, and Rolland awards Wales a penalty.

Wales win their lineout, but the Samoans drive them back 10 metres or so, and then win a penalty. Paul Williams is fairly easy to spell, but he misses the penalty.

Welsh scrum again drives the Samoans back, but Andy Powell knocks the ball on when he attempts to pick it up, and the Samoans turn it over. They swiftly advance into the Welsh half. They knock it on, though, and Wales play through their advantage, before giving away a penalty at the halfway line. [Scrappy stuff, and not solely because of Andy Powell’s continued presence.]

Samoa kick for touch, win the lineout, but then give away a penalty. This time Wales kick for touch.

Bennett throws the ball completely over the lineout, and Samoa attack. [Throw. It. To. TWO!] They run through about ten phases in the forwards, and then spin it out. Paul Williams breaks the Welsh line, before narrowly being brought down. Samoa advance to the Welsh try line. Rolland awards them a penalty with 30 seconds left in the half. They kick for the corner, and take a four man lineout which they win cleanly. They snipe at the line, but the Welsh defence holds. They spin it out right, and then back left, and a Samoan (subsequently discovered to be Perenise) goes over the line for a try. Williams converts the try and the Samoans go into half time in the lead.

Wales 6 - 10 Samoa

This is bad. [Bad it certainly is, but not as bad, because nothing can be, as the half-time contributions of prematurely retired Scotland international and lover of Kelly Brook, Thom “with an H” Evans. Whilst he may be handsome and super-successful with the ladies (as his name would suggest), TV commentary is plainly not his bag—you can see the rising panic in his eyes in the middle of every sentence as he simultaneously forgets what he just said, what he’s about to say, who’s playing, and where he is. Even by the very low standards of ITV rugby coverage, he is bloody useless. On the flip side, he is making Gareth Thomas look like the very acme of articulacy and insight.]

The animated World Cup logo ITV show around advert breaks is ridiculous. It’s a giant rotating rugby ball made of smoke, which then poops out more smoke, which hits the ground and turns into the text, “Rugby World Cup 2011”. Baffling.

Second Half

Hook is off, replaced by Halfpenny. It’s bad that Hook is injured, but on the other hand, he’s not really very good at fullback.

Thirty seconds into the second half, a Samoan dives over a ruck and gives away a penalty. Priestland’s penalty bounces off the crossbar, and goes over.

Wales 9 - 10 Samoa

Halfpenny misjudges a high kick, but he knocks it backwards, and regathers it [Calmly done—and excellent schoolboy technique there, standing side on for the catch, so that in the event it’s spilled it goes backwards… He really does very little wrong, young Leigh. He is unflusterable.] Wales attack from a lineout, but then give away a penalty.

The next two times Wales gain possession, they dive over the top and are penalised. The commentary team start predicting a yellow card. [My “quiet” muttering may be starting to creep up in volume. Must remember, it’s still not 5:30am yet…]

Paul Williams misses a penalty.

Halfpenny shrugs off a tackle by a Samoan (the number 8: Stowers). That’s impressive, considering the discrepancy in size there.

Priestland attempts a kick for the corner, but it goes straight into touch, giving Samoa an attacking lineout. They advance to the Welsh 22. Wales turns it over and again Priestland kicks. Halfpenny beats the Samoans to the ball, but it bounces awkwardly off his knee and into touch.

Wales attack, but there’s some kind of cock-up in the backs, and S. Williams punts the ball off the ground into touch.

Wales are awarded a free kick because Samoa take too long at a lineout. They opt for a scrum. It collapses, and Rolland awards a penalty to Samoa. [All very scrappy, and Samoa don’t look overly troubled. I really wish Stephen Jones was playing just to put a bit of control on this game now. Halfpenny aside, Wales seem a little too harassed here.]

There’s twenty minutes left to play, and Samoa are a point ahead, and pretty much in the driving seat. I’m starting to feel sick.

Samoa attack, putting together a large number of phases, but eventually give away a penalty.

Wales attack, but the Samoans quickly turn it over. There’s a break in play, and [the man universally (in my house) recognised as The Best Rugby Player In The World™] Gethin Jenkins (Hurrah!) comes on for Paul James, and [the less-feted] Lloyd Burns comes on for Huw Bennett.

Wales attack. They manage to put together ten phases of mostly backs play, before they’re awarded a penalty a few metres outside the Samoan 22. Priestland hits it, and Wales go into the lead with 5 mins remaining.

Wales 12 - 10 Samoa

Leigh Halfpenny takes a high ball, scrambles away from three Samoan tackles and charges halfway up the pitch. Superb. [Additionally awesome is the fact that three strides into his break, Halfpenny tucks the ball under one arm and adjusts his scrumcap before continuing to burn off up the wing. The nonchalance! There’s that unflusterability I was talking about.] He passes it to Jonathan Davies, whose [truly] woeful return pass goes nowhere near anyone and bounces onto the ground. Shane Williams pops up out of nowhere, though, scoops it up, and runs it over for a try. The man is a marvel. Someone (I presume Priestland; I was too busy typing excitedly to watch.) misses the kick. [Deep exhalation. Well played Leigh and Shane. JD2 needs to have a word with himself though]

Wales 17 - 10 Samoa

Alun Wyn Jones comes off and Bradley Davies comes on. Some Samoans come off for some other Samoans. [One of these Samoans is James Sooialo who conclusively ends the haircut debate in Samoa’s favour by bringing what can only be reverently described as the King of Mullets into the sporting arena. Well played, sir.]

Ten minutes left. I think I’m going to vomit. [Strangely, I feel relaxation creeping in. I think I might actually trust this team and believe they can close this game out professionally. I might just be delirious with tiredness though. It is approximately 5:40am.]

George North! gets nailed by a Samoan and doesn’t get up for some time.

Priestland kicks a long ball and chases. Paul Williams evades his tackle though, and the Samoans attack. Tuilagi is eventually brought down, and Warburton does sterling work in forcing a penalty.

Wales concede a penalty, and Samoa take it quickly. They advance into the Welsh 22, and Wales give away another penalty. With five minutes remaining, Samoa opt to kick for touch and an attacking lineout. The Samoan forwards win it, and smash away at the line until the ball suddenly pops out of the side of the ruck, and Faletau gathers it. Welsh scrum.

The scrum collapses, and is reset. ITV player suddenly turns all turquoise. This is not helping my queasiness. Okay it’s back to normal again. Samoa push too early, and Rolland awards Wales a free kick. They kick for touch and it’s a Samoan lineout. Samoa attack again, and inch their way into the Welsh half. But then they fail to release in the tackle, and it’s a Welsh penalty. Priestland kicks for touch, and we have a Welsh lineout with less than a minute remaining.

Wales win the lineout. But as time runs out, Wales concede a penalty and simultaneously Samoa turn it over. After a short period of advantage, Rolland calls it back and allows them to tap and run it. The Samoans attack desperately, but then Wales turn it over, and Priestland boots the ball into touch to end the game.

Final Score: Wales 17 - 10 Samoa

That was exhausting. Some people say that the hallmark of great teams is that they can play badly, but still pull out the win. Wales did that today, but I’m not convinced. [Yes agreed. Sadly I don’t think that this example of playing badly equates to Wales being a great team on an off-day.] They seemed completely unequipped to handle the physicality and intensity of Samoa, [at the breakdown anyway—in open play, our boys put themselves about,] and the precision and composure they showed against South Africa seemed missing today, [I think the absence of Lydiate was critical in this regard,] except, crucially for the last fifteen minutes after they went ahead. On the other hand, this is Samoa. Samoa! We never beat them in the World Cup! Halfpenny was good [very good] at fullback, too.

If Samoa hadn’t made so many errors when attacking (knock-ons and the like) then they definitely would have won.

Conclusion: Neither of these teams will win the World Cup.

[Conclusion II: I would definitely swap Phillips for the Samoan 9, Kahn Fotuali’i. Which is precisely what the Ospreys have just done. Good bit of business, look forward to seeing him playing over here.]

[Conclusion III: We beat Samoa in a World Cup! Progress…]

[Conclusion IV: A number of these Samoans will be joining Adam Kleeberger (CAN), Radike Samo (AUS) and Todd Clever (USA) in my Best Haircut XV of the World Cup. Now there’s something to look forward to.]

George North! is his full name. ↩

South Africa vs Wales

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 23:44:00 +0100

It’s the Rugby World Cup! And you know what that means. Yes! Super-insightful and timely running commentaries on all ~~three~~ four of the Welsh games right here, on WYWG! As always in WYWG’s “live” sports blogs, the normal and amusing words like these are written by me, WYWG, and the [bracketed, italic, and dreary words like these] are written by WYWG’s close ally, Tom. Apologies for the delay in this first update. I know you were all eagerly expecting it on Tuesday afternoon. WYWG’s excuse is that WYWG was on holiday in Tuscany. [No excuse for neglecting WALES!] We hope to resume normal scheduling [i.e. just a few days late rather than a whole week] as of the Samoa game on Sunday.

I’m watching on ITV Player. What a novelty! The picture freezes during the Welsh national anthem. I’m not sure if the pause is in the video feed that ITV are using or if it’s just a glitch on my internet connection. Either way it can’t be a good omen.

Commentating are Phil Vickery and, in a rather mercenary fashion, Nick Mullins. [Why no Welshman?] Ref is WYWG’s old schoolmate, Wayne Barnes. [Ah, cos the ref is “Welsh”]

James Hook’s first act at fullback (ugh) is to let a high ball ping off his shoulder. Good stuff. Wales are immediately penalised at the scrum. South Africa looking dangerous to start. And then, after 2m43s, they score a try. Start as you mean to go on, Wales! In the replay, we get to see F. Steyn’s hand off to Williams’s face and Hook’s somewhat weak last-ditch attempt at a try-saving tackle from a few different angles. [One of the key attributes that helped Steyn Jr over the line there is the enormous gut he’s developed since I last saw him play. He is the fattest fullback I think I’ve ever seen in international rugby. Good work sir.] M. Steyn makes the conversion. Did you know that in Australian Rules Football a hand off is known as a don’t argue? Those Aussies sure do have a way with words.

SA 7 - 0 Wales

Soon after the restart, Wales lose a lineout, pinch it back, but then immediately knock it on. And then ITV Player decides now would be a good time for me to start re-watching the game from the beginning. Isn’t technology remarkable? We’re living in the future!

Phil Vickery thinks that giving Wales a lineout at the halfway line puts them under pressure. Which, I suppose, given the quality of our lineout over the past few years, is a fair comment. Mullins: “Stephen Jones isn’t quite fit, struggling with a calf.” Perhaps wrestling livestock isn’t the best rehabilitation method?

Wales attack. Fourie flips little Shane clean upside-down in a tackle and dumps him on his head, apparently by accident. (Shane jumped into the tackle a little, as he has a propensity to do.) Then someone dives over the top of the ruck and Hook gets to kick a penalty. ITV Player freezes so I don’t get to see if he makes it, but Mullins tells me he does. Vickery thinks that’s a “great response” from Wales.

SA 7 - 3 Wales

Wales nick a lineout, and then Priestland kicks through and a big hit from Faletau wins Wales a scrum just inside the SA 22.

Goodness, Phil Vickery is a charismatic commentator. I wonder if you can book him for after dinner speeches. [I mean, seriously, it’s like someone slipped him two Tramadol before kick-off. He sounds like he’s boring himself to sleep.]

High tackle by Pietersen gives Wales another penalty. It looked like it went over from the camera angle we saw, in that the ball was inside the post the entire time, but the touch judges wave it off. Mullins is surprised, but when we see a replay (from the same angle) he confusingly decides that the ball definitely didn’t go over. [Really, what’s the point in having a quasi-Welsh ref if he’s not going to resolve the borderline calls in your favour?]

F. Steyn takes a mark and kicks it from within his own 22 to about 10 yards out from the Welsh try line. Big boot. [Big belly.] And then Roberts puts in a big hit on Burger. Unfortunately, Lydiate creeps offside and M. Steyn converts the penalty.

SA 10 - 3 Wales

Vickery thinks Wales just need to keep doing what they’re doing. They need to keep conceding ten points for every three they score?

Wales attack for a few phases, but then Hook chips the ball clean into touch. Several times in a row, Shane Williams takes the ball in midfield, runs a few yards, and then gives a hospital pass to a nearby forward. Then he performs a pretty dive pass from the base of a ruck, despite the fact that his scrum half is standing right there. That’s one way to get the ball out faster, I guess. [Is he teasing Mike Phillips? “Look Mikey, bet you can’t do this…” (Correct, he can’t.)]

Alarmingly, 24 minutes in, Wales have won four lineouts to SA’s 2. Oh, make that 4-3 in 25 mins. [The point still stands—the Welsh lineout after compulsorily fluffing the first attempt has been, whisper it, flawless. The Bennett-Charteris axis has been formidable. There’s a phrase you never expect to write…]

So far, Wales have had all the possession and all the territory. SA still up 10-3 on the score sheet, though.

Barnes fluffs a call at a collapsing scrum, and Vickery decides that that’s a good excuse to praise him.

Wales win another penalty (Burger not rolling away) and Hook makes no mistake this time.

SA 10 - 6 Wales

Hook completely shanks a kick after his mark. SA put together their first real attack for a while with a maul, but then give away a penalty. Shane takes it quickly and Wales surge into the SA half. F. Steyn lets off the pressure with another enormous kick. [Really his kicking is a wonder to behold. Or would be if it wasn’t so bloody annoying how he punishes Welsh errors by sending them back by about three-quarters of the length of the pitch. A mighty effective release for SA.]

Lineout tally is now SA three, Wales eight. And this is with Huw Bennett throwing-in! [It’s as if someone in the coaching set up thought ‘Hey, why don’t we throw 2-ball to our tallest player’—and that schoolboy basic has proved entirely effective at international level!] Mullins actually just uttered this line: “I believe you have a reservation for the Beast? Oh yes… Large portions.” It made sense at the time.

SA attack, and attempt a drop goal. Unsuccessful.

Just before the half, Hook has to take only his second high ball, and this time catches it cleanly. [See? Born to play fullback.]

We’ve reached 40 mins, but we have one more passage of play remaining. Wales win a scrum; Vickery’s commentary in its entirety: “Scruuum.” Wales win the ball, but don’t kick it straight into touch to end the half! That’ll please my liveblog partner. Instead Priestland attempts a looong drop goal. Unsuccessful. [And in all honesty about as realistically ambitious as kicking it straight out.]

Half time score: SA 10 - 6 Wales

In the studio, Gareth Thomas is satisfied with the Welsh effort. [Gareth has also precision trimmed his ginger beard, shined up his bald head to a gleam, and in the time honoured fashion of Welsh backs, looks like he’s paid a visit or two the tanning salon.] Francois Pienaar thinks SA need to step it up a gear. This despite the fact that SA are winning. The tyranny of low expectations?

Stats! Wales have had 57% of possession and 61% of the territory. [And about 35% of the points.]

Second Half

After the kick off, Faletau falls over onto his arse. Then he tries to get up, slips again, and rolls around on the floor. It’s honestly pretty amusing. SA concede a penalty (good work from Warburton) and Priestland kicks for touch. Wales win the lineout and attack. Mullins says, “This is Williams. First time we’ve really seen him with the opportunity to switch the lights on.” What?

Wales attack, but then Faletau drops the ball. He’s not having a good half so far! Butch James nails Roberts in a tackle and all of a sudden Wales are in trouble. Matfield is subbed off. De Villiers already came off early in the first half. Not good for them. Then they give away a penalty, and Wales get back into their half.

Priestland dinks a little ball through the SA line, which stops just in touch, and just in front of the SA try line. SA are forced to kick it into touch, and Wales win the lineout.

The Welsh forwards smash away through several phases. After an agonising minute or two, they spin it out, and SA immediately concede a penalty for being offside. [This is undeniably a good start to the second half by Wales; they look much more focused and disciplined than SA. Wales! Focused and disciplined!] After a brief period of advantage, Barnes blows the whistle, and Hook has a kick right in front of the posts.

SA 10 - 9 Wales

Wales immediately attack after the restart. Then my screensaver kicks in, and by the time I’ve thrown myself across the living room to turn it off, SA have the ball. They immediately concede a penalty.

Welsh lineout. Which they win. ITV have given up telling us the lineout stats, but I’m pretty sure they’ve won more this match than in the entire preceding Six Nations tournament. [Again, this is WITH Huw Bennett.] Wales spin it out. And then Faletau goes over the line for a try! I forgive him for his slapstick antics earlier in the half. [Also to be noted is young Toby’s old-school complete lack of celebration. Whilst his team-mates jump around and pump fists and all sorts of other soccer-style affectations, Toby accepts their congratulations stoically and jogs back to halfway with nary a glimmer of satisfaction on his face. Kudos young man, kudos.] Nick Mullins gets a bit over excited. Faletau’s a good Welsh name. (A bit rich coming from someone with the surname “Cheng”, I realise. WYWG is nothing if not hypocritical.) Hook makes the conversion.

SA 10 - 16 Wales

SA look a little peppier after the restart. Wales win it back, though, Priestland puts up a high ball, and Habana fumbles it into touch. From the lineout FALETAU comes surging through the back line, breaks a couple of tackles and hands off to Roberts, who makes it a few more metres to within about 5m of the SA try line. [Wales are ALL OVER the world champions here. Really, seriously, SA look there for the taking] Then he fumbles it though, and Wales concede a scrum. [Bugger, that should have been more points of some kind—being 6 ahead is nerve-shredding.]

Wales win another lineout. Seriously, what’s got into these boys? Wales attacking again, but SA turn the ball over.

Mullins starts to daydream about how great it would be if Wales beat the reigning World Champions in the first game of their campaign, and then tells us we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. Right. [Too late Nicholas, am way ahead of you on that daydream…]

Habana comes off and Hougaard comes on. If Mullins is saying it right, Hougaard is pronounced: “Ho-hard”. Now SA are attacking. Mullins: “No one yet is writing off these Springbok world champions.” Apart from you about five minutes ago, Nick!

Lineouts: SA 6 - 16 Wales

SA are attacking. It looks bad. Then they pass it forward. But they had the advantage for an earlier penalty. They kick for touch and win their lineout. I feel sick. [Likewise.] They spin it wide, but don’t find a way though. Back into the centre of the pitch, and then Hougaard the sub slides through the Welsh defence and swan dives over the line. Simple conversion for M. Steyn. Something went wrong in the Welsh defensive communication there. Nevertheless, SA have been mighty effective in turning possession into points which, for all the positives, Wales have not.]

SA 17 - 10 Wales

Bradley Davies comes on for Alun Wyn Jones, who’s had a great game. [Ditto entire Welsh pack.]

Jonathan Davies attempts a sneaky backhand offload from a tackle but the ball pops up to SA. [For some reason, this one chancy pass in an otherwise solid game from JD2 makes me absolutely livid. I leap from my sofa, wailing “Noooooooooo”, and slapping the wall with the flat of my hand. Hard. The plaster cracks. The children are watching. Not good.] They make a long clearance, Hook kicks it right back, SA fluff their next clearance, and Wales win a scrum about ten yards out. They run it in the forwards for a couple of phases, and then Priestland attempts a drop goal, but hooks it badly. He’ll be kicking himself about that one. [He’s 23 and it’s his fourth cap, so some slack should be cut… But that really should have gone over.]

Priestland makes a great long kick for touch. SA take it quickly. Hougaard and Steyn pass it back and forth between them 4 or 5 times [nearly all of which are forward!], and then Wales win a penalty. Cut to a shot of the Welsh bench, which elicits this from Mullins: “Andy Powell: the biggest, blondest cheerleader of them all.”

It’s a tricky kick, from the wrong touchline for Hook. He doesn’t make it. Mullins doesn’t blame him though. It’s windy out there, after all. [That’s two chances to win this game that Wales have failed to take. That’s not good enough.]

7 mins left.

Phillips takes an infeasibly long time setting up his forwards in two successive rucks. The South Africans capitalise by driving over the ruck to turn the ball over. Dammit, Phillips! They kick for space and then Hook returns the favour.

Sam Warburton is named man of the match [and rightly so].

4 mins left.

Lineouts: SA 8 - 17 Wales

South Africa eat up time by repeatedly driving in with the forwards.

1 min left. Welsh scrum inside their own 22. They win it. But SA turn it over and kick for touch to end the match.

Final Score: South Africa 17 - 16 Wales

To sum up, Wales played a solid, if not scintillating game [Maybe a little harsh. There were patches where Wales were really, seriously good. At points it was like watching an entirely different team to that which played in the Six Nations.] I wasn’t quite as impressed as the commentary team. (Mullins, for example, summed it up as “one of the Welsh great World Cup performances” and Rider described their performance as “quite heroic”. [On reflection, that is quite patronising.]) We had a lot of ball, but other than Faletau’s try, we didn’t look like we had any particular ideas what to do with it, which has been my grumble pretty much since the last grand slam win. [It was a little pre-programmed in parts, but then it was also patient and professional.] But it was competitive at least, and the forwards in particular looked very good. [And don’t forget Gethin’s back soon!] South Africa played like they didn’t give a crap.

Conclusion: Neither of these teams will win the World Cup. [Piffle my good man, Wales are going to tear up the history books and become the first team to win the World Cup after losing their first game. Mark my words.]